
Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group
This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.

deleted_user
Hi, everyone. I joined this group because I'm anxious about going home for the holidays. Every year it's the same cycle. I dread suffering through the holidays with my manic dad. My parents divorced 15 years ago but my mom still invited him over for dinner because she feels guilty and worries he won't see his children otherwise. (Is that weird? Shouldn't there be more boundaries??)
When I see him walk in the door, my whole body recoils...the residual feelings from so many years of confusion, hurt and disappointment flood back over me. I hate that I hate him. I love him, too. But he won't take meds, and refuses to admit there is anything wrong with him. His behavior is so bizarre it is exasperating for everyone.
Needless to say, the family dynamics are horribly dysfunctional. I have been in and out of therapy for years. When I return home it takes me until mid-February to get back to normal. Last year I told my mom that I wasn't interested in coming home anymore if he was going to be there. I feel terrible about it but they divorced for a reason. Why relive the pain every holiday?
Now he wants to see us on his own--making crazy promises and flaking out. If he wasn't my father I would not hang out with him ever. Yet I feel compelled to be "good" and to keep in touch, even though his behavior hurts me. Any advice on what's worked for you?
When I see him walk in the door, my whole body recoils...the residual feelings from so many years of confusion, hurt and disappointment flood back over me. I hate that I hate him. I love him, too. But he won't take meds, and refuses to admit there is anything wrong with him. His behavior is so bizarre it is exasperating for everyone.
Needless to say, the family dynamics are horribly dysfunctional. I have been in and out of therapy for years. When I return home it takes me until mid-February to get back to normal. Last year I told my mom that I wasn't interested in coming home anymore if he was going to be there. I feel terrible about it but they divorced for a reason. Why relive the pain every holiday?
Now he wants to see us on his own--making crazy promises and flaking out. If he wasn't my father I would not hang out with him ever. Yet I feel compelled to be "good" and to keep in touch, even though his behavior hurts me. Any advice on what's worked for you?
Posts You May Be Interested In
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
It is sort of hard blaming your dad when he doesn't know that anything is wrong with him. Believe me, my wife drives me insanely nuts at times and she doesn't see anything wrong with herself. Nothing is ever good enough for her and she loves to point out all your mistakes but don't you ever point out hers. Her middle name is PMS as she is always in a constant state of agitation.
At family gatherings I often wonder if she is going to make a royal ass out of herself or me. If I am at her family for some get together then I might be verbally insulted for all to hear. It's great too!! I just sit there and enjoy being told, "Shut up you idiot!" and I see everyone there finding it amusing. But this doesn't go both ways because she would lose her mind if I said that to her in front of my family. Yet, when I have a family function then she often sits like a sour puss and ruins it for everyone.
I can't help how she acts and as much as I would like to stick 5 full rolls of duck tape around her head with a sweaty sock in her mouth, I have to respect her. I would try to find a way to get along with your dad somehow. He might come over and act like a total ass but realize that it is probably the illness talking and not him.
Remember too, if your dad comes over and he is greeted with a look of "ohh, it's you again" then he will probably react to that. My wife is the type that if you do not seem truly happy to see her then she will resort to being an absolute bitch the rest of the night. Stop your dad early if he starts in with any crap. Tell him that if he doesn't have anything intelligent to say then don't say it at all. If he gets negative then tell him that you will not put up with it and that he can leave and not spoil Thanksgiving for everyone else.
If you dad acts like an ass then leave the room is another thing you can do. My wife gets pissed at me for walking away when she goes ballistic but it often works. I think that I hide in the bathroom 20% of the day sometimes to get some peace and quiet.
If all fails then you can try hitting yourself over the head with a frying pan as that helps me. I like to numb my head a little (joking of course). This stuff can really drive you bonkers so just hang in there. You do with your dad as you will. If you feel that he is just going to ruin your Thanksgiving and you just cannot stand to be with him then yes, do not invite him. Otherwise, I would try to learn how to cope with his illness as he will always remain your father for whatever years he might have left.
But I am not so cold-hearted as to cut all ties. So lately I have resorted to drinking a lot when we're together (your frying pan approach). I monitor my anger and leave or change the subject before I lose control. Still I resent that we are the ones who suffer for his mental illness. I wish he would meet us half-way but he never, ever will.
at the advise of this group i finally started talking to friends about this issue, and one family member. it helps. And i wish i could give you some advise. i admit a glass of wine or two gives me the jollies the are almost impossible to shake...
Cody1, i know a few ppl who have acted in a similar way to your wife. Most of the time, myself and a few others see what's going on and just try not to make waves by acting like it's a little funny or something. So as not to start an all out war. I hope it helps ya to know not everyone is amused.
I understand that we never deserve to be treated like crap. I hate when I get it from my wife and her family but I have learned to cope with much of it. When I can no longer cope is when I will vent my ass off on her. I never win because my wife will simply scream and carry on like a little child but the fact that I unleashed my built up anger sticks in her head long after. She usually simmers for a while.
I personally would find something that would shut your dad up. I sometimes will tell a person that is miserable and I have to use it here at work, "Nobody cares to hear it." I will simply keep interrupting that person with "Nobody cares to here it" until they get so frustrated that they are not allowed to finish a sentence that they will shut their trap. In my family, we don't put up with complaining at a meal. You will be told to go sit and eat somewhere else. At meals, we prefer telling jokes and picking on each other and things we did as kids to get a laugh. Try bringing out somethings that were funny in your child hood and see if that starts something. Usually that stuff is contagious.
I don't know what to tell you. I would simply stop your dad before he gets going and put him in his place right away. Often, when a person gets going then it is hard to stop them. If you want, greet him with a hug at the door and tell him calmly that you would like to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with him and if he can withhold all negative comments. The first time he opens his mouth negatively then say, "Nobody cares to hear it" and do not let him ever finish a negative statement by constantly saying that phrase until he shuts up. Or excuse yourself from the table and ask him to call you back when he is done ruining everyone's meal so that you can eat.
I wish you the best of luck this holiday season.
I believe you have every right to take care of your own needs and you should never put yourself in hurtful situations. You are not responsible for your father!!! Although your father is ill, he is still accountable and has choices.
I don't mean to come off as abrasive, but it kills me when people use guilt to CONTROL.
That being said. Try not to feel badly about your very legitimate feelings.
I hope things turn out well for you.