You will not have your dad forever so is this how you want your relationship with him to end? I just want to throw that your way because the number one complaint at the funeral is all the regret that a person had about their parent and how they wish some aspect of the relationship was fulfilled before they died. Make sure that this decision will not be something that will haunt you when he dies.

It is sort of hard blaming your dad when he doesn't know that anything is wrong with him. Believe me, my wife drives me insanely nuts at times and she doesn't see anything wrong with herself. Nothing is ever good enough for her and she loves to point out all your mistakes but don't you ever point out hers. Her middle name is PMS as she is always in a constant state of agitation.

At family gatherings I often wonder if she is going to make a royal ass out of herself or me. If I am at her family for some get together then I might be verbally insulted for all to hear. It's great too!! I just sit there and enjoy being told, "Shut up you idiot!" and I see everyone there finding it amusing. But this doesn't go both ways because she would lose her mind if I said that to her in front of my family. Yet, when I have a family function then she often sits like a sour puss and ruins it for everyone.

I can't help how she acts and as much as I would like to stick 5 full rolls of duck tape around her head with a sweaty sock in her mouth, I have to respect her. I would try to find a way to get along with your dad somehow. He might come over and act like a total ass but realize that it is probably the illness talking and not him.

Remember too, if your dad comes over and he is greeted with a look of "ohh, it's you again" then he will probably react to that. My wife is the type that if you do not seem truly happy to see her then she will resort to being an absolute bitch the rest of the night. Stop your dad early if he starts in with any crap. Tell him that if he doesn't have anything intelligent to say then don't say it at all. If he gets negative then tell him that you will not put up with it and that he can leave and not spoil Thanksgiving for everyone else.

If you dad acts like an ass then leave the room is another thing you can do. My wife gets pissed at me for walking away when she goes ballistic but it often works. I think that I hide in the bathroom 20% of the day sometimes to get some peace and quiet.

If all fails then you can try hitting yourself over the head with a frying pan as that helps me. I like to numb my head a little (joking of course). This stuff can really drive you bonkers so just hang in there. You do with your dad as you will. If you feel that he is just going to ruin your Thanksgiving and you just cannot stand to be with him then yes, do not invite him. Otherwise, I would try to learn how to cope with his illness as he will always remain your father for whatever years he might have left.

I used to fantasise about tranquilliser darts...but yeah, forgiveness helped me forward.

Thanks, Cody. I know he's my only father and that's why I feel so conflicted about hanging out with this toxic person. I feel terrible about it but no one pushes my buttons like him. The way I see it, just because someone doesn't realize they didn't step on my foot, (he is ill, afterall) doesn't mean I am going to leave my foot out there for them to keep stomping on. Should I really feel guilty for protecting myself from a crazy person?

But I am not so cold-hearted as to cut all ties. So lately I have resorted to drinking a lot when we're together (your frying pan approach). I monitor my anger and leave or change the subject before I lose control. Still I resent that we are the ones who suffer for his mental illness. I wish he would meet us half-way but he never, ever will.

i'm sorry your going through this... i've been asking myself a lot of the same questions lately.

at the advise of this group i finally started talking to friends about this issue, and one family member. it helps. And i wish i could give you some advise. i admit a glass of wine or two gives me the jollies the are almost impossible to shake...

Cody1, i know a few ppl who have acted in a similar way to your wife. Most of the time, myself and a few others see what's going on and just try not to make waves by acting like it's a little funny or something. So as not to start an all out war. I hope it helps ya to know not everyone is amused.

I completely understand what you are saying Lotushear. I'm not sure that alcohol is the answer though as you will start associating alcohol as a fix to problems and then you yourself will have a problem of alcoholism. Stay away from the alcohol as one's crappy treatment of you never justifies that.

I understand that we never deserve to be treated like crap. I hate when I get it from my wife and her family but I have learned to cope with much of it. When I can no longer cope is when I will vent my ass off on her. I never win because my wife will simply scream and carry on like a little child but the fact that I unleashed my built up anger sticks in her head long after. She usually simmers for a while.

I personally would find something that would shut your dad up. I sometimes will tell a person that is miserable and I have to use it here at work, "Nobody cares to hear it." I will simply keep interrupting that person with "Nobody cares to here it" until they get so frustrated that they are not allowed to finish a sentence that they will shut their trap. In my family, we don't put up with complaining at a meal. You will be told to go sit and eat somewhere else. At meals, we prefer telling jokes and picking on each other and things we did as kids to get a laugh. Try bringing out somethings that were funny in your child hood and see if that starts something. Usually that stuff is contagious.

I don't know what to tell you. I would simply stop your dad before he gets going and put him in his place right away. Often, when a person gets going then it is hard to stop them. If you want, greet him with a hug at the door and tell him calmly that you would like to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with him and if he can withhold all negative comments. The first time he opens his mouth negatively then say, "Nobody cares to hear it" and do not let him ever finish a negative statement by constantly saying that phrase until he shuts up. Or excuse yourself from the table and ask him to call you back when he is done ruining everyone's meal so that you can eat.

I wish you the best of luck this holiday season.

It sounds like your mother is very codependent.
I believe you have every right to take care of your own needs and you should never put yourself in hurtful situations. You are not responsible for your father!!! Although your father is ill, he is still accountable and has choices.
I don't mean to come off as abrasive, but it kills me when people use guilt to CONTROL.
That being said. Try not to feel badly about your very legitimate feelings.
I hope things turn out well for you.