I need to know if I am too critical, too demanding too whatever. In the 12 years we have been married we have been to 8 therapists, 4 psychiatrists, 2 hospitals. He is on meds that seem to make the episodes not as extreme. The thing I am struggling with is this... I can't get over the past. I can't get over the lies, his inability to stand up for me, the excuses he placed on me so his family would not think he was depressed, the time he has taken away from me and the children, the constant day in day out thoughts of when is he going to fall. I recently found letters to his family, me and our two boys saying goodbye and sorry I wasn't strong enough to stick around. When I confronted him he said they weren't anything and he would never do that to us. I can't bring it up because then I get,"all you ever do is dwell on the negative, why can;t you just forget and move on?" His mother blamed me for his episodes and accused me of hiding meds, not loving him and secluding him from his family. I am critized for the way I raise my boys to the therapists I find for him. His family discharged him from the hospital when I left town for buissnss saying he didn't need to be there~ he just needs to feel loved. He doesn't have the extreme highs but the lows are three days in bed, non responsive, no work, no communication and no acknowledging the life around him. He will go to counseling and then stop saying he doesn't want to keep going to dwell on the past. He constantly seeks praise from me. I have had to pay 500$ to the cable co. for pay for view porn. 1000$ for outstanding parking tics and car impounded for not paying. Two really bad times were when he left my house, wouldn't answer the phone and I found him 5 hrs later sleeping in his car behind he mall with it still running. Last year, again, I get the call from his work(his family also runs it) that he is a no show and won't answere the phone. I go to our house, I am locked out(never happened before) he won't respond. For the first time, I truly thought he was inside dead. I left to drive around the corner to get strengh to go in. I was gone maybe 3 min, he was gone! I searched finally found him going to his fathers. He looked at me with a look I have never seen before and yelled,"don't scream amt me, I can't take it" he agreed to go inpatient~ 2 days later his family discharged. 3 months later, I found the letters. It has been 6 months since this time, he hasn't been so extreme but, he stays up till all hours, sleeps and is late for work, he spends maybe 15 min with the boys before hibernating to the basement. We don't spend time together(I don't mind) because we don't talk about anything with substance. He comes into the bedroom at 2am and expects that I will be up and ready for him. The truth is there is so much saddness, anger, resentment and feelings that he will eventually hurt himself that I cannot allow myself to stay close to him. 2 years ago after missing work for 3 days and was on the verge of losing his job, he comes out with he might have been possibly abused by a step grandfather but all he has is a photograph type image. Nothing was explored further- no one talks about it. His mother is coming next week and staying with us and the thought nauseates me. I am not over the hurt she caused nor the fact that my husband did nothing to defend me through any of this. Please, your thoughts. Trust me, I am not saying I am perfect. I say hurtfl things when he is lying in bed like a little boy, I go out to avoid being there, I haven't been loving nor initiated anything physical, I am not the best in finances but we are not bankrupt. I use to love, laugh, have fun and be crazy but now I feel sad,hopeless and angry.