everyday feels like a constant battle, i am always walking on eggshells, wondering what is next? i am constantly watching what i say, how i say it and how it comes out. I have always had very low self estem ever since i can remember. I have been diaganosed with borderline personalitly disorder, so i know there are some days were i can a little tough to take, but i am not allowed it seems to have those days, because my spouses mental illness takes top priority, sometimes i feel like my spouse doesnt really think i have a mental disease, like maybe his stuff is way more important. i am always put down, i get told i am stupid i have been told i am selfish, even though i take care of myself and my spouse. the thing that really gets to me, is that a few times after my spouse has said something awful after we make up or whatever he has told mutal friends what he has said and laughs about it, like its funny. i dont know how to quite explain it, but its like everytime we have a agurement or fight and i sit there and beg him to stay and express how much i love him, afterwards i always feel like he has the upper hand now , and one time i saw him breakdown and want to work things out and i brought it up and he got mad at me and said i knew i shouldnt have showed you emotion. i feel the same way after every fight where i make a fool of myself and beg and plead.. i dont know i feel like i am fighting a losing battle that nothing is ever going to really change..
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