Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
This is taken from my last two journal entries. I'm just not sure about anything right now.
Last year I had two emergency surgeries, the first one was for something that was days from KILLING ME DEAD, this year my dad has 2 surgeries, the second one was for something that was days from KILLING HIM DEAD, April my son is diagnosed diabetic, Sept. 24th my mother has a mild heart attack and they fly her directly 2 hours away emergency, now my boyfriend/best friend, someone that I love very deeply and that loves me deeply has been put in prison for a sentence of 5 years, with the POSSIBILITY of getting out in a year if he goes through certain programs while in prison. All for something he has not a lot of control over; drinking. Forget trying to help him, forget trying to get him to see why he should stop drinking, and to aid him in that. Forget letting him serve his time at night and weekends, and let him work during the day, forget that his kids could still have lunch with him if he were working during the day.. forget all that. I just keep asking myself why why why why... why god? HUH? WHY????? He was starting to make better decisions for himself, he was starting to understand the price drinking has.. Now he's going to come out a non smoker and a worse alcoholic. My mother thinks I'm wrong and thinks he's going to wake up while sitting his ass in prison. I think it's going to feed his anger. I HOPE SHE'S RIGHT AND I'M WRONG! But how much am I expected to endure? Life has really shit on me. It's like I'm life's little crapper. I suppose I should gamble sometime soon, I mean how much worse can my luck be in life? I hate my world. I keep going through all these emotions, crying, being angry, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what else I could have done. What will I do? How will I handle it? I'm just human. I can only take so much. Then I'm going to break. I'm scared of what will happen when I do break. No I would never hurt myself, I do have a child. THANK GOD for that. But I picture myself just getting in my truck and driving as far as I can on what little money I have. I was driving home today from Mom's house (she so badly wanted me to stay there, but I can't vent there, I can't cry there) and just had thoughts of driving. I'm thinking that I can't eat, I should start running. I'm really breaking already. I need help. God isn't listening to me. Or I'm not as strong as God thinks I am. Because I really am breaking. My heart is breaking, my soul is breaking. I feel like a zombie when I'm not crying. I'm just going through the motions. I'm going to be more of a hermit now then before. Just sit at home and stew in my own self pity. When my son is home I can fake it just long enough to get by, but when I'm alone, I'll be sleeping on the love seat, writing, writing, writing, writing. I wish I had the will power to never talk again. I suppose really with the job I have I don't have to do alot of talking, and being a hermit won't require much talking, being a mom to a 15 year old doesn't seem to take lots of talking either. I suppose I'll get by, but I'll be damaged goods. Heck I already am damaged, I'll just be more damaged. I can clean house now... I suppose I can work my ass off cleaning cleaning cleaning. Seriously I think my days are going to be like this: wake up, take kid to school and I go to work, work for 7 hours, pick kid up, help with homework, clean, ride the bike or walk around the lake nearby, cook dinner, clean, walk around the lake, shower, sleep start over the next day. Weekends and summer time when there's no school and my son isn't home as much it'll be wake up, work, clean, maybe eat, walk, bike, shower sleep start over. At least I'll be fit. I'm going to take this lifestyle change to the max and completely change my eating habits big time. I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to get fit, and hopefully not turn into an anorexic or get too thin. I'm going to write lots of letters to him, I'm going to visit him EVERY single chance he can have a visitor. I'm going to continue to love him with all I've got, and try to send out the best vibes for him even though I'm broken. I can't type enough here to get rid of the sinking tummy feel. I can't write enough here to feel better. I can't write enough here to believe I'll make it. I just can't seem to do it. So I'll stop for tonight. All my "private to friends only" journals will be me writing more crap in self pity. So there's your warning. Read at your own risk.
For those of you that know what I'm going through then you know why I wrote this prayer two days ago. For those of you that don't, that's alright, it could be a prayer you're needing too. I am carrying it with me for the next year if not longer.
God-
Please don't take him from me. Protect him whatever happens. Help him remain calm and help him find peace whatever happens. Help me do the same. Help me hold onto him should he have to go away. Help me find the means to visit him every chance I get- and help me to live if he has to go away. Help him be strong for himself and help me be strong for him. I need to be his rock, his shoulder to lean on right now. Help us both have faith and hope. Let this be a time we grow together and not apart. Don't let him forget us as a couple and help him hold onto our love for each other.
Please hear this prayer.
This is something I wrote a prayer that I wrote the other night. I'm sure it was answered, but just not to our liking. I'm going through hard times right now emotionally. I'm broken down. Please pray for this stranger.
I just feel so broken right now. I get to see him today in county and don't know what to expect. It's almost like having the nerves of going on the first date. I've NEVER dealt with a loved one in prison, or anyone else in prison for that matter. We visited one growing up for a field trip (heck of a trip to take kids on huh?) and I've been arrested for traffic stuff but that's it. I just don't know what I need to know. I'm scared, nervous a nd really am losing all hope. My mom supports my decision to stick it out with him. He is in for DUIs he is an alcoholic (I'm a member of families of addicts group) and that is a disease that the state for some reason decided to treat in PRISON. IDIOTS!!! You can't pick and choose your diseases. If so he'd have chosen diabetes (cause he'd make a great one) and I'd have chosen alcoholism because I can control that urge. It's just crazy scarey for me, and I know he MUST be scared. He couldn't talk when they took him out of the courtroom, he couldn't stop shaking like a leaf, he couldn't hold back his tears, and I know he's got to be feeling 100 times worse then I do. The one good thing is that he's here in county jail, and he always seems to know someone that's in there. So possibly he'll have someone to talk to. Are there support groups for families of prisoners? How hard would it be to start one? I'm in JOklahoma and wonder if anyone here is familiar with the system.
If you're still reading this, thanks so much for sticking it out.
Last year I had two emergency surgeries, the first one was for something that was days from KILLING ME DEAD, this year my dad has 2 surgeries, the second one was for something that was days from KILLING HIM DEAD, April my son is diagnosed diabetic, Sept. 24th my mother has a mild heart attack and they fly her directly 2 hours away emergency, now my boyfriend/best friend, someone that I love very deeply and that loves me deeply has been put in prison for a sentence of 5 years, with the POSSIBILITY of getting out in a year if he goes through certain programs while in prison. All for something he has not a lot of control over; drinking. Forget trying to help him, forget trying to get him to see why he should stop drinking, and to aid him in that. Forget letting him serve his time at night and weekends, and let him work during the day, forget that his kids could still have lunch with him if he were working during the day.. forget all that. I just keep asking myself why why why why... why god? HUH? WHY????? He was starting to make better decisions for himself, he was starting to understand the price drinking has.. Now he's going to come out a non smoker and a worse alcoholic. My mother thinks I'm wrong and thinks he's going to wake up while sitting his ass in prison. I think it's going to feed his anger. I HOPE SHE'S RIGHT AND I'M WRONG! But how much am I expected to endure? Life has really shit on me. It's like I'm life's little crapper. I suppose I should gamble sometime soon, I mean how much worse can my luck be in life? I hate my world. I keep going through all these emotions, crying, being angry, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what else I could have done. What will I do? How will I handle it? I'm just human. I can only take so much. Then I'm going to break. I'm scared of what will happen when I do break. No I would never hurt myself, I do have a child. THANK GOD for that. But I picture myself just getting in my truck and driving as far as I can on what little money I have. I was driving home today from Mom's house (she so badly wanted me to stay there, but I can't vent there, I can't cry there) and just had thoughts of driving. I'm thinking that I can't eat, I should start running. I'm really breaking already. I need help. God isn't listening to me. Or I'm not as strong as God thinks I am. Because I really am breaking. My heart is breaking, my soul is breaking. I feel like a zombie when I'm not crying. I'm just going through the motions. I'm going to be more of a hermit now then before. Just sit at home and stew in my own self pity. When my son is home I can fake it just long enough to get by, but when I'm alone, I'll be sleeping on the love seat, writing, writing, writing, writing. I wish I had the will power to never talk again. I suppose really with the job I have I don't have to do alot of talking, and being a hermit won't require much talking, being a mom to a 15 year old doesn't seem to take lots of talking either. I suppose I'll get by, but I'll be damaged goods. Heck I already am damaged, I'll just be more damaged. I can clean house now... I suppose I can work my ass off cleaning cleaning cleaning. Seriously I think my days are going to be like this: wake up, take kid to school and I go to work, work for 7 hours, pick kid up, help with homework, clean, ride the bike or walk around the lake nearby, cook dinner, clean, walk around the lake, shower, sleep start over the next day. Weekends and summer time when there's no school and my son isn't home as much it'll be wake up, work, clean, maybe eat, walk, bike, shower sleep start over. At least I'll be fit. I'm going to take this lifestyle change to the max and completely change my eating habits big time. I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to get fit, and hopefully not turn into an anorexic or get too thin. I'm going to write lots of letters to him, I'm going to visit him EVERY single chance he can have a visitor. I'm going to continue to love him with all I've got, and try to send out the best vibes for him even though I'm broken. I can't type enough here to get rid of the sinking tummy feel. I can't write enough here to feel better. I can't write enough here to believe I'll make it. I just can't seem to do it. So I'll stop for tonight. All my "private to friends only" journals will be me writing more crap in self pity. So there's your warning. Read at your own risk.
For those of you that know what I'm going through then you know why I wrote this prayer two days ago. For those of you that don't, that's alright, it could be a prayer you're needing too. I am carrying it with me for the next year if not longer.
God-
Please don't take him from me. Protect him whatever happens. Help him remain calm and help him find peace whatever happens. Help me do the same. Help me hold onto him should he have to go away. Help me find the means to visit him every chance I get- and help me to live if he has to go away. Help him be strong for himself and help me be strong for him. I need to be his rock, his shoulder to lean on right now. Help us both have faith and hope. Let this be a time we grow together and not apart. Don't let him forget us as a couple and help him hold onto our love for each other.
Please hear this prayer.
This is something I wrote a prayer that I wrote the other night. I'm sure it was answered, but just not to our liking. I'm going through hard times right now emotionally. I'm broken down. Please pray for this stranger.
I just feel so broken right now. I get to see him today in county and don't know what to expect. It's almost like having the nerves of going on the first date. I've NEVER dealt with a loved one in prison, or anyone else in prison for that matter. We visited one growing up for a field trip (heck of a trip to take kids on huh?) and I've been arrested for traffic stuff but that's it. I just don't know what I need to know. I'm scared, nervous a nd really am losing all hope. My mom supports my decision to stick it out with him. He is in for DUIs he is an alcoholic (I'm a member of families of addicts group) and that is a disease that the state for some reason decided to treat in PRISON. IDIOTS!!! You can't pick and choose your diseases. If so he'd have chosen diabetes (cause he'd make a great one) and I'd have chosen alcoholism because I can control that urge. It's just crazy scarey for me, and I know he MUST be scared. He couldn't talk when they took him out of the courtroom, he couldn't stop shaking like a leaf, he couldn't hold back his tears, and I know he's got to be feeling 100 times worse then I do. The one good thing is that he's here in county jail, and he always seems to know someone that's in there. So possibly he'll have someone to talk to. Are there support groups for families of prisoners? How hard would it be to start one? I'm in JOklahoma and wonder if anyone here is familiar with the system.
If you're still reading this, thanks so much for sticking it out.
deleted_user
Fisrt let me welcome you to our group. You never know what kind of miracles can happen behind prison walls. He could walk out and never touch another drink. He has to want it tho. We can only want it so bad for them. Maybe he'll get the help he needs by attending all those classes. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Believe me I've had all those emotions you feel and it's normal.
jody0385
I got to visit him yesterday while he's still stuck at county. He should have gotten my first letter today. He seems alright. He asked how I"m doing. I told him fine, he asked if i was sure, and I said Do i have a choice? I don't so i'm fine. I can't sit and wallow in self pity all day because i do have a son... But i do find times to wallow in self pity.. LOL.. I told him he'd be fine too cause he doesn't have a choice either. I'm just hopeful that he'll get to the assesment center soon so that he gets placed sooner and can start the program he needs to complete to get out. Plus then we'll have bigger and better visits. MUCH further drive, but well worth it. I moved out my queen bed today and replaced it with a twin, just to fool my mind into thinking sleeping alone is normal. I think it will work a little bit. Tomorrow I'm getting an overstuffed teddy bear to snuggle with at night too. Childish? Maybe, but again hoping to fool my mind at night when i wake up half asleep. If nothing else it frees up tons of valuable space in my bedroom for awhile. I'm trying to stay positive. After visiting yesterday I had to go straight to the ladies room to cry. I don't want him to see me waiver. I have TONS of faith that we are growing stronger through this somehow. That he sees my dedication to him, and that I believe he will do what he needs to asap. Maybe I'm crazy, but I do feel like God has a huge hand in all of this and for whatever reason it's my life for the moment. It may just be God's test for both of us to see that our relationship is real, is true, and is stronger then most. It certainly would be easy (if I wasn't in love with him) to say no way i'm waiting a year, but i'd rather wait a year and get him back then to find someone else. So I think God does have a plan for us. Anyway.. It is hard at times, and I do cry in short spurts... But I do have hope and faith 98% of the time. I'm not angry, and I don't blame him. So I think that's good.
Join the Conversation
-
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
