Thru this whole awful ordeal, 16 months, I have not heard or seen my son breakdown, nor has he hear or seen me breakdown. I have stood on the other side of that damn glass and 'put on a brave face' and said all the right 'it'll be ok' words. I have watched him hold it barely together and bite his bottom lip and tell me He can do this, survive this. I have held onto the phone and encouraged and lifted and loved him, and then barely get the phone back in the cradle before I am doubled over letting the eruption of pain bring me to my knees. Thru it all we have both held it together for eachother...but yesterday was different and what brought it all crashing down...well, I did not see it coming. Usually we talk of the bad and the sad things of life behind bars and I tell him things of the outside world, trying not to paint too rosy a picture so he doesnt think he is missing out on much (stupid, I know) but today, I suddenly felt compelled to tell him how proud I was of him and how strong he has been and the way he has handled himself and been a light for others...that did it, he broke and began to cry WHICH KILLED ME to hear my baby's sobs and as a mother not be able to put my arms around my child and comfort him...What a dark night last night was, the cries echoed in my head all night making me crazy (just read my last nights two journals and you will agree with that one, but don't be alarmed, I was just having a moment) BUT maybe this was a breakthru for both of us...I guess time will tell.
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