I'm feeling a little down today. It is my guy's b-day today and I wish I could do more than send a card, I'm a romantic at heart, and I just feel that it wasn't enough. Also, our son will be 1 year old next month, and he won't be here to celebrate. I can't believe how fast the time has went though, Chris has been in prison since Kaileb was 3 weeks old. When I take him to see his daddy, he doesn't seem real connected to him, and at this age, I feel that the bonds with parents are very important. I'm afraid of how he'll be when he gets out, and if he can get that bond that I have with him. Maybe in a way I don't want him to, I kinda feel that he's MY baby and I don't want him to bond with anyone else like he is with me. Do you think that's selfish? It's gonna be a year soon (end of August) and I know that the time is coming sooner than I realize that he'll be out, and I will probably have to adjust alot to that. I'm a little apprehensive about it. I'd love to have the help and support of him, but at the same time, I'm used to doing everything by myself, and it will be hard to get used to the help. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be out and helping me, but at the same time, I don't know if I want him to live with me, not until I get used to the idea of him being around alot. I'm having all kinds of mixed emotions about this whole ordeal, even him and I being in a relationship, I'm not even sure about that anymore. I can't even explain it, but I think that it has alot to do with my independence now, and how I won't be the only one in control anymore, especially of our son, I'm going to have to share the parenting responsibility, and like I said, I'm so used to doing it all by myself. I love Chris so much, but his release, which will probably be by the end of the year (and we're already more than halfway through this year) is stressing me out! We weren't together during my pregnancy, or even when he went to prison, and I'm just afraid that I won't be able to handle the change very well and take it out on him, and he doesn't really deserve that. It's so easy to share my feelings with him on paper, but to actually be confronted with them is hard, whether it's love, stress, excitement, anger, or whatever other emotion/feeling there is. I'm always imagining our life together and what it will be like on the outside, and I get so excited, but I'm so afraid of disappointment, and things not turning out the way I want them to, and it's a fear on both parts. What if he hasn't changed? What if I haven't changed? I haven't been in a relationship for over 4 years, and that one turned out pretty bad, I ended up throwing a knife at him over some stupid shit and went to jail, but we stayed together, then 7 months later he moved to another state (we are still friends and talk occasionally). I've been through psycho-therapy, anger management, and all that stuff, but what if it hasn't helped, what if I still can't control my temper? What if he can't? All that stuff I believed has helped me, I've had alot of emotional distress and tragedy throughout my life, and I haven't gotten to that 'snapping' point since, but I always wonder. I took the last 4 years to focus on ME and establish independence, and what I consider soul cleansing, and I pray that it's done some good, and having a baby really matured me ALOT. I'm just really freaked out about being in a "real" relationship, and the time is getting nearer. I know I have changed alot in the last couple years, and I pray so hard that it's more for the better then the latter, I definitely know that I've grown up alot, with a child to consider, you have to. I can say that I am happy with my life, but my concern is, will I still be with Chris around? Ok, just wanted to write a little before I go to bed, maybe it will help me sleep better tonight to get that out and be able to share my feelings. Thanks for "listening". :o)
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