Hey everyone... It just hit me that I'm dying inside... I mean really hurting. I had myself fooled for a while, but for some reason just now (it may have to do with the fact that I made a phone call to the prison) it hit me hard like a thousand tons of bricks that I'm really hurting. Tonight is also the night he will call. The calls haven't hurt as much as they did a month ago.. But tonight might be hard. I called the prison to find out about my approval for visiting (so that once he's allowed I'll be right there). I was told to call back Friday because she just got a bunch of background checks back today and by Friday she'll have them all sorted and posted. So I said sure no problem, Friday afternoon I'll call. She was nice sounded busy, but nice. Then I hung up and here come the waterworks.. LOL Stupid I know, but gosh. It surprised me. I talk to him twice a week sometimes more. But I haven't seen him in person since October 31st. It's just killing me to not see his face or touch his hand.. I live life like nothing is wrong.. People that don't know me have no clue there is anything missing in my life. I really could win an award. I'm a great actress. But it does hurt, I am in pain, and just can't share that with the people around me.. So here I am. I think tonight after he calls I'm going to take Juju (my new baby dog) to the lake to walk and just think... Maybe sit a nice spot that's private and just sit and think. Take a box of kleenex with me, and just cry cry cry. Can't do it at home, my son will be home... I disguise my pain and try to take my mind off it by spending time at my mom's playing games, but it never fails.. I've started dreaming about him finally. I'll dream he's home and I'll know he's home from jail so I'll be crying... Or I'll dream we're on vacation but I'll be crying because I know I miss him.. I just can't stay busy enough. Even though I never get a moment to myself, I never get a resting moment... I'm always running around doing things for family or for him.. So how can I be feeling like this? I know that's a dumb question. It's called human nature. Of course I feel like this inside, so it seeps out anytime it's quiet. Guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with this for awhile.. I'm sure once I get to start seeing him every weekend it'll be a little better. It'll either be better or worse. Or better AND worse. Better for obvious reasons, worse because I'll be reminded of what I'm missing again. I just can't wait to see him.
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