Sheri - I have only been getting up to speed in the last 2 weeks - I that was when I found out that my wife was gay. I can understand the confusion you are going through - it sounds like you care for him a great deal - and like my feelings for my wife - what I truely want is for her to be happy - I know I found journalling here helped me process what was going on in my head - remember no one is going to judge you here, so feel free to just free form and let it all come out - it doesn't have to make sense. The feelings you have are normal - but, from what I have seen and heard so far, I think if you two can get some counseling it would do you both good - the last thing you want is to have a child with this person, go marry on your way - and then in 5 to 10 years in the future, him to say he can't continue to live this way.

Sheri, I agree with what Paul said. My husband of 15 years believes he is gay and we are divorcing. We have a son. Even if your boyfriend won't go to counseling, please seek some for yourself. It will help you clarify the issues for you. That is very important. Be kind to yourself it takes time to work through these things.

I know I love him and if it comes down to it and he decides that he no longer wants to live as he is now I can't lose him. I am going to suggest that we go to counseling but the main thing is when it comes to talking about emotions we both have a problem with it... Right now we are working on that and I think when we are comfortable talking to each other about our emotions we would be more willing to try with counseling. I know in the past I went to counseling and I was never able to open up so I don't see the point in it till I get to the point of being able to open up... Yea I can open up to any stranger in the world on the other side of a computer because I don't have to worry about outwardly showing my emotions... I am one that doesn't allow myself to cry in front of others (I'm beginning to be able to with him though), I disguise my anger as just aggravation. All my life growing up I have felt like nobody cared about me, nobody listened to what I had to say, basically I was just there to be trampled on... I had no emotions, no important words came out of my mouth. I am beginning to work through my issues. All my issues I have realized have stemmed from my parents and their addiction. They always used to lock their selves in their room to smoke.... I'd sit outside the door wanting to be with them or talk to them, to spend time with them but their drugs were always put before me. Trying to talk to my parents after they've smoked is like talking to a fucking wall... useless, therefore putting in my mind that nobody cared what I had to say. I have been realizing all this stuff lately and I'm hoping that now that I am accepting that there is nothing I can do to change the past I am gonna be able to work through my issues and find better ways of coping. When me and Chris (my boyfriend) first started talking (he lived here as my brothers friend but I never talked to him till it was me, him and my grandfather alone for almost 3 days) I realized that he understood me and listened and treated me the way I have always treated others and always wanted to be treated. He made me feel as though my life had value, that I did count and that people do care, they do listen. Now I am trying to work these things through and I hope to one day to not have any of these issues. Nothing will break us apart.... whether we stay married till death or he does decide later that he doesn't want to live as a man... to me he will always be Chris, he will always be the one I loved, the one that made me realize that my life had value and that I wasn't just here wasting space and valuable oxygen.... I know it will be hard if it does come to that though.

I do understand where your coming from though and know that you guys understand more then I do about this so I will take your advice. As soon as we can we will seek counseling. I know that it's gonna be something we both need whether this is an issue later on in our lives together or not. We have been through alot in our separate lives and we will be through somethings in our life together but I think anything can be dealt with...


Wow I wrote alot! Sorry... I defiantly needed that though! Thanks for caring and being so understanding.

Sheri - I am glad you wrote as much as you did - it helps you clarify what you are thinking. And yes, because of your history, I can see how this complicates the matter. Something to think about - you do not have to stop loving him - I love my wife, and always will - she went on her first date with a woman this week - she is positively glowing - was so excited to share it with me, but was afraid of my reaction - my point is you can always love him - and always love what he has helped you realize about yourself - but it does not mean that you and he cannot find happiness outside of that relationship. - those who have been talking to me -will probably groan when i write this - because it has become my mantra - if you love something - set it free, if it comes back to you of its free will, then it is truely yours.

He has given you an incredible gift - and helped you to understand that you are special - take that strentgh, and let him go, and find someone who is able to return fully what you have to offer. Someone who will also see what your friend has given to you, but will able to love you completely as you deserve to be loved.

I don't see it really as him giving me a gift. More of him giving me a challenge to work with. I haven't told him but I am bi-curious so really if he was to change I'd still wanna be with him. I do want us to go to counseling though. I have talked to him a little more about it all and he seems to be comfortable with his decision to stay who he is now. I know that doesn't mean he will always feel this way.
We have decided to stop trying for a baby (although I think I'm already pregnant).

Anyways I have had alot of time to think it over this weekend. I have decided that we'll just see what happens. I know I could face some hard times in the future but I would hope that I'd still have you guys to come to.

Well according to the most recent test I'm not pregnant... as much as the words hurt to say I would like to relieve any worrying souls... that's right I'm not but am wishing I was.