It will work out fine for all of you grandparents included.

For right now if they don't ask don't tell them, i am not saying to lie but don't tell them any more than they need to know, let them get to know the girlfriend with out any outside opinions.

I think they will find that your daughter is much happier than before and the girlfriend is the reason, i am sure they will be so happy for her and as long as she is happy that is all that matters.
Good Luck and celebrate with your daughter she is happier now.

Society, or should i say a few people in it did say mean things to me but i didn't care then or even now.

It is like a process of grief. You probably thought about marriage and grandchildren. Despite what popular media will tell you - the prospect of her being in a long term relationship is very unlikely. If she has children in her life, they may be a current partners children from a heterosexual marriage.

It will not feel the same as if she married and had children of her own. Do not feel bad about grieving this loss, it is substantial. Your daughter may feel a sense of loss and feel as though she has been dealt a bad hand in the game of life. I know I did. I lived a gay life for 12 years, but I woke up to the reality that it was not meeting my needs. My faith empowered me to leave and I became the person I was meant to be. Nothing in the gay life can compare to the happiness i experience now.

Keep your daughter in your prayers. She may grow to expect more out of her life as well. Change is possible for all who make it their goal.

Louis,

I'm sorry. The path you've found yourself on is not the end-all-be-all. There are those of us in committed homosexual relationships. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. it's certainly not a lifetime, but we are starting to plan our future.

We talk about the children we will have. He's adopted, so we'll probably go that route. I used to worry about that, but when I see how utterly and completely his parents love him, all fear went away.

I wish being gay was a choice, I "chose" to be straight for over a decade, which sent me into a very severe depression. When I finally came out, it was so freeing. I found being gay did meet my needs.

Since sexuality is not a switch set to gay or straight, change is not always possible. Human sexuality is a varied and broad spectrum. Perhaps this girl will (or did, as this thread is four years old) end up with a man, perhaps not.

As for the mother, it is normal to grieve. My parents did too, but not only did they come around, they love my boyfriend as if he were their son too; he's even earned himself a stocking this Christmas with the rest of the family.

Faith is a wonderful thing. It can empower someone do do the right thing, and motivate them to better themselves in life. However, faith is subjective, and assuming one faith or practice of it is the right one is not exactly okay in terms of society. If you believe yours is the one true path to salvation, you are more than entitled to think so, but please understand, in this wonderfully democratic society, others do not subscribe to your God. I personally identify as Christian, and I know the good Lord made me gay; who am I to question His design. I fought it for so long, and it brought me to a very dark place. And through prayer and a realization that my happiness counts, I was able to accept myself. I realize that our views on God and Christianity are antithetical, and neither of us is like to budge the other, but please allow others the right and freedom to practice the faith that speaks to them.

I am not located near the same place on the sexual spectrum as you. I cannot connect emotionally, spiritually or even physically with women, no matter how hard I tried. You can, and I sincerely hope that you find a partner who loves and adores you, if you have not already. you seem like a compassionate, sincere guy, so gay or straight you'd be a catch.

You're right, having children in a homosexual relationship is different than a heterosexual one. It is different; not better or worse, just different. There are so many different types of normal in this world, that believing just one is okay is a bit shortsighted.

I encourage you to keep your faith, it is a source of inner strength to you, as it is me. But please don't presume that your homosexual experiences speak for us all. Nothing in the straight life can compare to the happiness I experience now. I have a wonderful man who lights up my life, a freedom and self confidence to be who I am and a family that loves and supports me. You will find this with women, which leads me to believe that your same sex attractions were more physical than emotional (referring to the sexual spectrum again), and that is absolutely okay. And I apologize if that reads as presumptuous. What is important for you, and for all of us is that we search our hearts. Mine led me to my boyfriend and happiness. Yours led you to a heterosexual awakening and, I assume, happiness.

All the best,
Steve

I don't have children who are gay, and i don't know if my advice will be helpful at all, but i do have a gay father and a gay sister.
I know you say your dreams for her are over etc. but she will still have a happy and fulfilling life :-)
My dad and his partner have been together for 17 years. They probably have the most functional, loving relationship i have ever seen between 2 people. after my parents divorced when i was 8 my mother went crazy and had a series of messed up relationships and was unable to provide any kind of stabel home. My father and his partner on the other hand took me in when i was 12 and i was with them ever since. I was involved in the community, graduated hs with honors, went to a good college on a scholarship, volunteered.
i guess what i am trying to say is, though your daughter may not marry a man, or have a "traditional" family, she can still be so happy and still fulfill your dreams of her being happy, bc isnt that what you really want for her?
things will get better for everyone involved. Give it time. and society is much better today than it has been in the past pertaining to acceptance of the gay lifestyle.
good luck hun.
thoughts and prayers are with you! :-)

Steve:

It is rare to find a mutually monogamous gay male relationship. In 12 years of living a gay life, I knew none, though I knew several people who had open relationships that lasted for 3 - 5 years at most. (often less). Most of these people were HIV+, though they used condoms all the time. I don't speak out of blame, just the realization that I realized I deserved another person's undivided attention and did not like being called "jealous" because I was not into open relationships. I chose to leave from a genuine and realistic fear of dying from AIDS. I'd been to the funerals and more of my friends were HIV+ than not. Still people called me homophobic because I said it was an unacceptable risk to live this way.

Leaving a gay life was difficult at first, but within a year, I noticed much progress. in only a few years, I was a very different person with very different interests and habits, even different mannerisms. For many people, change is very possible, though like overcoming any compulsion, it takes an investment and much effort - especially at first. Overcoming gambling or alcoholism would be harder I'm sure. For most people, it is a lifelong journey.

Many people question their sexuality throughout their lives, and the answer is not always "yes, you're gay". Sometimes the answer is that you are empowered to choose for yourself. I'm a strong believer in human potential and I know that my journey was greatly helped by making God's will for my life my goal. I never really think of God in terms of democracy or a personal interpretation of spirituality. It meant a lot to me that my faith was not "wishy washy" on the issue of homosexuality. It was an empowering force in my life. I need religion to tell me that I can do better and improve myself. That's why I go to church. I can't imagine belonging to a church that told me "if it feels good, it is good". It is a different perspective that you and I have, and I realize that I cannot change your ways, that is not my intent.

Sin always feels good and right, that is what makes it temptation. It is spiritual warfare that leads us to see faith as work and sin as natural. I would be wary of any faith that reinterprets scripture by telling people that they are fine the way they are and not called to leave their sinful ways. I tried hard to reinvent my faith in this way, but my faith won out and my true identity as Christian won out and my false identity as homosexual collapsed. Ironically, our journeys sound similar, though they were in opposite directions. Trying to find a spirituality that was accepting of my homosexuality was impossible for me, I tried, but it did not fit. In the end, it was more important to my identity to be Christian than to be gay.

Our daughter recently came out and we are still coming to terms with it. We are a faithful Christian family - our daughter is as well. It was very difficult for me and I am still grieving (although it is getting better). It does explain her depression and self harming in previous years. She seems like she is no longer carrying a burden and for that I am grateful. I was a hypocrite. I have friends who are gay but never thought this could happen in our family. Now that it has and our daughter and I have discussed God and sin she said two things to me that really stood out...#1 - On judgement day when she is standing at the throne of God and having to answer for sins (as we all will) they will be her sins and it is her relationship with God, it is not a threesome (so to speak) and #2 - We have always taught her that as much as we love her God loves her even more than we can imagine so she cannot believe that He loves her any less because of her sexual orientation. Good words. The Lord taught us to love...anything over and above that is judging in my opinion and I don't know about you, but I am in no place to cast the first stone :)

Nikki222888,

I was raised in a Christian upbringing. I realized that I was gay at about 12 years old. I prayed every single day for God to take this burden from me. I did this for 10 years and became very depressed and withdrawn. Then one day in college something just clicked.

I always lamented God for not answering my prayers, but as is so often the case, we don't hear when He speaks. Of course God answered my prayers it just wasn't in the way I expected. I realized that God wasn't challenging me to deny the core of who I am, but was challenging me to embrace who I was. I didn't choose to be gay, He made me that way. And who are we to argue with God?

I can relate and understand where you are coming from but on the flip side. My son came out to me in the 9th grade and told me he is gay. He is now a senior in highschool. I was shocked as you were. It is hard to cope with even now since I have raised him in a traditional christian family home. I am a single mom and have always wanted the best for my son. He has been a cheer leader on the team at school being the only boy made me worried about him being bullied and I am so happy to say the girls love him and supported and encouraged him! I am so proud to say has turned out to be postitive for him. As you mentioned the grieving process I too have been going through it also. As a mom I have had the hopes of having a daughter in-law and grandkids and never thought would deal with this in my family. I cope with this by praying and leave it in Gods hands as I cant change the way my son feels I can only wish the best and pray for good choices that he chooses. I am glad he has opened up to me as we have indured alot together as he is my only child. I have raised him as I have been raised and continue to be there for him. As hard as its been for me to accept it will never change the fact that he is my son and I will never turn my back on him. Things in life are out of parents control we have to let our children sore and find there way with Gods help. He knows their hearts as he made them and their gender indentity preference only is a small part of who they are as human beings. Take care and God Bless- JT

P.S. as for the grandparents maybe have a discussion with them about it with a counselor to help sometimes talking to a mutual party helps to smooth things out.

Joe 42909,

Just read your coments on ljeans post of daughter coming out. Similarites of your story is going on with my 18 yr son who has told me he is gay, Im glad to know there are people out their that can relate to our story. I have raised my son in a christian home as you mentioned you were as well. Its hard as we know that its not accepted in the church but this has made me think about all the things that arent accepted and that we all fall short. My son to has prayed to not be gay also afraid of what others would think some family mainly that have not been told yet but I know they will love him regardless. God knows peoples heart and that is only for him to judge anyone as he made all people.

I really have no advice - I am in the same boat. The only difference is that my daughter has found a girlfriend who is emotionally and even physically abusive. She has isolated her from her entire family. They are now engaged - went from mom I'm a lesbian and I have a girlfriend to we are engaged in less than 8 months - even after a physical fight. She has given up everyone and everything she ever loved to be with this person. I'm grieving for more than the thought of her heterosexuality. I haven't seen her in 4 months - and the contact is becoming less and less. Text messages that don't sound like her at all. I hope and pray you and your daughter still stay connected.

Our 22 year old son came out to us last August. It has been a very difficult time for us as well. Like you, we went through a grieving process that still continues to this day. I don't know if we will ever be completely over the loss. But we are trying to make the best of it.

I'm a youth pastor and have always said that I would never reject any of my kids if they turned out to be gay. Well I'm not rejecting my son for being gay, but I have to say that I have more compassion now for those parents who can't handle it and turn away. Because I know the pain that leads them to that place. It's real, and it cuts deep.

As for coping, we pray and try to trust God that He is going to work it out in the end. I do fear for my son's soul, not because he's gay but because he seems to have renounced his faith and wants nothing to do with following Christ. Perhaps that is another issue, perhaps it's related.

My apologies if this isn't very helpful. This is the first time I've discussed this with anyone but close friends and relatives. God bless and I pray you will find your way through this.

It will all work out