I don't think any of us say an addict "will never change". I think what we tend to say is that an addict CAN change, but ONLY if they decide for themselves, AND get the proper support, AND the majority of them will usually have to try several times before succeeding. Some will never change but neither they nor anyone else can predict how they will go before they try.

For myself, I say to people in relationship with or married to addicts, that you need to work on yourself first. So often we get caught up in worrying about them, trying to control them, persuade them, educate them. This is the problem that we face. We are so busy trying to get them to stop, that we just go round in circles. You can step back and focus on yourself without leaving them or hating them or cutting them off. But it takes a lot of work. For me, I have found it easier on me to leave and make a fresh start on my own.

Your husband is just starting out and has yet to learn that it's ok to be questioned about some stuff by your spouse. Maybe try reassuring him that you're there for him, you didn't mean to criticise, and you both need to give each other time to learn the new ways of living.

Get all over that guy!! Sock it to him. 3rd degree 24/7.

NAAAAW, that's just the devil on my shoulder talking. and what I WANT to do myself...

Hold on to Hope NAAAAILED it! Right on. Focus in on you. We can't help them or fix them. Just get healthy ourselves and let go.

According to satistic's most addicts do not change that doesn't mean they can't, it just means they don't want to. For them to change they have to want to. The average number of rehabs and tries is 3 times.
If its only been a week and half since he used it is a very good chance that he used the money to get high. His actions do throw red flags up.
Majority of addicts don't quit and never use again it is a slow process of using and times of not using. Them deciding they do not want to use anymore and they have people of things in their life they want more.
I know for you this means alot of ups and downs, wondering did he or didn't he. Is he lieing or telling the truth. It takes time but learning how not to enable, how to put yourself first takes time. It is up to him to prove he can be trusted not just assume oh I haven't used in 10 days, went to NA plus therapy so she should trust me. So its time for you to have a talk with him. He shouldn't just take money out of the account he needs to tell you what and where he's going. You need to tell him your trust in him is broken and it will take time for it to be rebuilt.
Also you need to decide how long you want to give this relationship should he not get and stay clean. If he stays clean little by little you can rebuild the trust that was lost.
Learning to worry and take care of ourselves is hard we do tend to worry more about our love ones. If you don't learn how to detach your health will end up suffering.

I wasn't raised by my addicted mother, so for a long time I didn't think her behavior or indifference had any impact on me--I was so wrong. I also grew up in a house where we didn't talk about my 'mom's' problems for fear that she would get angry & remove me from where I was living. (With my wonderful GREAT-grandparents, on a farm, surrounded by all my cousins and extended family.)
I also didn't think that I'd ever fall in love or stay with an alcoholic or a user of any other drug. But I lived with one for about 5 years. It took everything I had in me to ask him to leave but I had to do it. He was never physically abusive, but the emotional neglect was horrible. I didn't want to wait for it to escalate into something else.
You are in a tough situation and I won't pretend to have any answers for you. However, I do know of several people who have changed their ways, stopped drinking & lead incredibly honest & productive lives. It's not impossible. But if he's open to counseling maybe the two of you could go together. Keeping the line of communication open is so valuable. Especially in a marriage. I wish you well and I'm sending you a big hug.

Thanks everyone. I understand that he has to make the choice, and so far, he is choosing a different path from before. He is going to meetings this time and he is letting me know what he is doing, rather than being sneaky (or so he says). But that's just it! To be honest, at this point, I'm not sure if I can go down this road with him. The trust is broken and I just don't know if I we will ever get it back. I'm not the kind of person to give up on someone but its this overwhelming feeling of self preservation. I'm not looking for anyone here to give me the answers or to make a decision for me, I am looking for some friends who can support me while I take my time and make a decision. I'm not delusional, I know that he can still relapse 6mos, 1yr or even 10 yrs from now. I have to decide if I can and want to deal with it or the possibility of something worse. Thanks again!

I'm happy to offer support to anyone who is trying to change and learn and grow. I'm not sure what kind of support you are asking for - perhaps you would find face to face support helpful. Either way, this is a good place to mull over your thoughts and see what others think. It's all about what you want to do. We can only offer ideas and thoughts from our own experience and what we've read and heard.

Living with an addict is hard work. I take my hat off to anyone who can get through the experience and move forward in life. I spent years dealing with violent partners, some of whom were angry drunks. Wasted years when I could have been focussing on my own goals and future. It's always pleasing to see others reach the point where they want to turn things around for themselves.

I think everyone is jumping to the conclusion that he's an addict. Beinghuman, could you please define "has been using"? That could mean that he has been hiding a crack addition or it could mean that you found a small bag of marijuana that he's been using recreationally once in awhile.

At what point is he in his "using"? Is he experimenting? Abusing? Addicted?

The chances for success and the amount of trust he deserves, as well as the help he needs to get, depend entirely on those answers.

Assuming he's an addict, his belief that everything is all better is common. My son repeatedly demands that I trust him and forget things that happened "a long time ago". In his mind, something that happened three days ago is a long time ago. That's because he lives in the present.

Donna, her profile and (less directly) her second post in this thread refer to her partner being an addict.

Beinghuman, when i read your posts it feels like you are weary after a long struggle living with this in your life. I know that feeling too. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes.

Hope - Just looking for some people who have experienced what I'm dealing with, who can be a source of info and encouragement. I'm not looking for someone to try and solve anything or make any decisions for me, only I can do that. I just need some time.

Donna - he is an addict - I (we) thought he was in recovery - in treatment (we've been together for several years). He's been using methadone and most recently heroin, for about 2 mos. I knew about his history but as he puts it, he slipped. I just don't know if I can handle another slip or something worse.

Here's something I'm having a really hard time with: He said he has stopped using the heroin because I found out and he couldn't stand losing our family but he is still on methadone. Did he stop because he A) got caught or B) I have closed off the bank acct!?!?!?!?! I'm sure it is a combo of both but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. He sure wasn't thinking about losing his family while he had a needle in his arm!!!

Ahhh, the anger, frustration and sadness of it all.....

The moment he was putting the needle in his last thoughts were for the family. After the remorse sets in.
I did some research on methadone and some people have to be on it to function so they don't use heroin. For me its the lesser of two evils.
Cycle of a addict is
first something can trigger the thought. Could be driving by a old place, a commercial there are alot of different triggers for people.
Second he is thinking, umm maybe one won't hurt. I've been clean for awhile and one time won't be the end. Wrong!!
Third he decides to use, now how to use and not let you or anyone know. Where to get money for drug.
Fourth he uses and at this stage is where they can drain bank accounts, pawn anything, they are out of control.
Fifth filled with guilt, remorse and now they think of their family. The the sickness comes a day after with flu like systems, each drugs effects tha addict differently. Then when he starts feeling better he decides do I not use, put my family first if he does then it was a a slip. If he chooses to use then he usually has gone back into active addict mode.
Its not as simple as addicts choosing their family they want both.

Happy to be part of offering encouragement and support while you take the time you need. You seem really switched on, and you have good insight. You'll get there. Sometimes when someone says they are looking for support it takes me a while to work out if it's healthy or they want people just to endorse their decision, like they are taking a survey or something. So that's why I asked a bit more about it.