I often wish I were an actress. It would be the only way to keep peace, but even that probably wouldn't really work. I'm just never good enough, didn't do enough and can't ever be enough. The only way my marriage will ever work is if I could pretend, pretend that things are all good. In the mean time I am losing my mind. Everything is a big ordeal, I never know what is real or fake what is right or wrong or who to believe. I am at the point I don't really care anymore. I don't care what my husband is doing, what or if he's using, who he does or doesn't use with. I can't do anything about any of it anyway. I am however bothered by the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I never know if he's going to take money or meds or what. I hate loving a liar! I feel so betrayed, unloved, and my trust is shredded. I know it's not me, but it does make me second guess myself all the time like I am crazy. I have to play along in this big game and I am not a good actor. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I've been told I could never be a lawyer because I just cant hide my emotions. No matter how hard I try I can't hide the hurt or pain or anger or whatever it is that hour. I am tired of my moods swinging with my husbands! I have no friends, no nearby family other than my four beautiful kids. I thought this site might help fill the big empty hole in my heart. Thanks for taking the time to listen/read.
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