Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Support or going too far...

lkc9528
lkc9528
My bf has been out of rehab for 10 days and clean so far. He wants to move in here and get married and all that. I just cant handle it right now.
We had our first big fight last night and of course he almost got high again. He blamed me and our fight. He said if I would just let him stay here he would be okay.

Two years ago I got out of an abusive controlling relationship. I do love my bf like crazy and I want to help him so bad. I want to support him and be there for him. But Im not ready to live together. He says Im being selfish and moody. He says if I love him it wouldn't be a problem. And that IM not making sense. I just dont want to rush things. We've tried that before and it didnt work out. He always went to drugs when things around here got to hard to deal with...

Honestly maybe he's right maybe Im being selfish and defensive. I want to help him but not with him living here. I want to help him with recovery not be his reason for it. Any advice would be great....
joemm
joemm
You know what to do. The last 2 sentences (before any advice)
ARE YOUR ANSWER
It would never be your fault if he used again. His choice.
GOD BLESS
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey hun! Being an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery, I can tell you that getting sober and clean is a very hard process. It doesn't happen over time. It's a daily program.
First you quit, but then, you have to stay quit. And your boyfriend, if he is serious about his recovery, he should be focusing on that right now, and nothing else. Staying sober is not easy at all...
About you... I was involved with an addict myself and I know how hard it is.

You are totally right if you are not comfortable with him moving in or getting married. If you don't feel comfortable doing it, DON'T. You are NOT being selfish and defensive. You are just taking care of yourself. Please believe me. My ex boyfriend used to blame everything on me. And all I did was help him and support him. The disease of alcoholism is a very selfish disease. It's all about him. And it will continue to be like that if he doesn't continue to get help. And trust me, he needs a lot of help if he wants to stay quit.

Please take care of yourself and don't give into him. YOU are right. He is trying to control you. Don't let me do that. Please take care. I am here if you need to talk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
cory said it all. I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober 6yrs. He has to get his life back before he can start another life with you. Don't let him make you feel guilty of anything. You can support him, but don't forget this is affecting you too. Don't get married now. It would be for the wrong reasons. His actions will speak for him. If he is truly ready he will stick with his recovery program. It's up to him and no one else.
deleted_user
deleted_user
And if he lives with you and you fight what will he do? He's always going to have to work to stay clean when things aren't "perfect" whether you are in the picture or not. Staying clean is his responsibility, not yours. No amount of letting him stay with you will keep him from reverting if he so decides. If that is the only thing keeping him clean, then it is only a matter of time anyway.

You will be helping him most with his recovery if you take care of you first. You don't have to love him on his terms, only on yours.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would say let him walk in sobriety for awhile. Until he gets his addiction under control he is incapable of loving you the way you deserve. I live with my addict (home for 7 weeks today from rehab) and I when he got home he wanted to hurry and get married ...now I'm seeing things i'm not sure I'm even wanting to live with him anymore let alone be his wife. staying sober is easy compared to changing all the behaviors that addiction creates. I'd say give it time. You can love him, enjoy him, but he has to help himself first before he will be any good to you
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm also an addict so when I say it's easier to stay sober I'm not really saying it's easy at all but you get sober then you have to change everything that comes along with addiction to remain sober ...this is the hard part
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