Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm just going to get right into it...
I have a problem. I don't know the best way to handle it. my anger-management husband thinks he ought to beat him up. I think that would be a little out of line and stupid.
My brother is a drug addict and a criminal. When he was in jail a few months ago (he had ANOTHER one year bid), we gave him canteen money (money he can use to buy food and shoes while in prison) every week, plus we paid $500 he needed for his lawyer fees, which ended up saving him a 10 year sentence (he really screwed up, without getting into details).
When he got out, we helped him get on his feet, giving him rides everywhere, letting him stay with us off and on because he is homeless. He immediately got back into drugs, and so we drove him to rehab TWICE (he's been out of jail for a mere 4 months) and we visited him every day to give him support. When he got out, he told us about how he had some job opportunities. He really just tricked us into driving him ALL OVER the place 12 HOURS a DAY, SEVERAL times, to "go to job interviews"... as it turns out, he was committing crimes to round up drug money. When we found out, we told him to stop. He responded with inappropriate anger.
We stopped letting him stay over, and we cut him off financially, and we stopped picking him up.
Besides all of this, in the middle of it all, he had an "emergency" where a drug dealer was going to "kill him" if he didn't replace his computer and give him some $200 that he owed him. We bent over backwards to help him find an appropriate computer and we gave him the $200. When we arrived at the kid's house, he wouldn't let us come in. We waited outside for 2 hours, worried as hell, thinking he might be getting hurt or worse, to worried to leave.... and he came out so high he couldn't open his eyes, walk or talk. We felt SO betrayed! And we had to pay our rent late because of it!
So, he's cut off and we're not speaking. That settles that, right?... No! Why not?...
BECAUSE the plot thickens...
He's been to my father's house sober telling stories about how WE are doing drugs and how WE owe HIM $200!!!!!!!! How he's struggling to stay clean, and we keep ruining it. What's worse is that my husband is a recovering addict (about 2 years with the exception of some of my brother-induced relapses from which he quickly rectified). so because of that, my family is beginning to doubt us, thinking he is the poor unfortunate victim and we are trying to hurt him. So they have been wary of us visiting.
I think his habit is a $200 a day one. Just a guess.
He also went to my mother's house and told her we have been stealing his recovery medicine that he needs to stay clean. This is completely false. He sells his medication to people in Boston to get heroin. This is his revenge on us for refusing to enable him.
Now we thought it was enough to cut him off, but he continues to cause very upsetting problems for us. He needs to be dealt with further, but, both my husband and I coming from extremely dysfunctional families, we are unsure of the proper adult way to handle it.
I could go on with horrible things he continues doing, but I think maybe I have already written a much too rambling message.
But please: ADVICE!!!! I NEED to know how to properly handle my junkie brother. PLEASE? HELP?
Thank you, my wonderful DS friends, for taking the time to consider me in my time of need!
I have a problem. I don't know the best way to handle it. my anger-management husband thinks he ought to beat him up. I think that would be a little out of line and stupid.
My brother is a drug addict and a criminal. When he was in jail a few months ago (he had ANOTHER one year bid), we gave him canteen money (money he can use to buy food and shoes while in prison) every week, plus we paid $500 he needed for his lawyer fees, which ended up saving him a 10 year sentence (he really screwed up, without getting into details).
When he got out, we helped him get on his feet, giving him rides everywhere, letting him stay with us off and on because he is homeless. He immediately got back into drugs, and so we drove him to rehab TWICE (he's been out of jail for a mere 4 months) and we visited him every day to give him support. When he got out, he told us about how he had some job opportunities. He really just tricked us into driving him ALL OVER the place 12 HOURS a DAY, SEVERAL times, to "go to job interviews"... as it turns out, he was committing crimes to round up drug money. When we found out, we told him to stop. He responded with inappropriate anger.
We stopped letting him stay over, and we cut him off financially, and we stopped picking him up.
Besides all of this, in the middle of it all, he had an "emergency" where a drug dealer was going to "kill him" if he didn't replace his computer and give him some $200 that he owed him. We bent over backwards to help him find an appropriate computer and we gave him the $200. When we arrived at the kid's house, he wouldn't let us come in. We waited outside for 2 hours, worried as hell, thinking he might be getting hurt or worse, to worried to leave.... and he came out so high he couldn't open his eyes, walk or talk. We felt SO betrayed! And we had to pay our rent late because of it!
So, he's cut off and we're not speaking. That settles that, right?... No! Why not?...
BECAUSE the plot thickens...
He's been to my father's house sober telling stories about how WE are doing drugs and how WE owe HIM $200!!!!!!!! How he's struggling to stay clean, and we keep ruining it. What's worse is that my husband is a recovering addict (about 2 years with the exception of some of my brother-induced relapses from which he quickly rectified). so because of that, my family is beginning to doubt us, thinking he is the poor unfortunate victim and we are trying to hurt him. So they have been wary of us visiting.
I think his habit is a $200 a day one. Just a guess.
He also went to my mother's house and told her we have been stealing his recovery medicine that he needs to stay clean. This is completely false. He sells his medication to people in Boston to get heroin. This is his revenge on us for refusing to enable him.
Now we thought it was enough to cut him off, but he continues to cause very upsetting problems for us. He needs to be dealt with further, but, both my husband and I coming from extremely dysfunctional families, we are unsure of the proper adult way to handle it.
I could go on with horrible things he continues doing, but I think maybe I have already written a much too rambling message.
But please: ADVICE!!!! I NEED to know how to properly handle my junkie brother. PLEASE? HELP?
Thank you, my wonderful DS friends, for taking the time to consider me in my time of need!
I know it will be hard but you can love a addict to death let him fall and then let him pick himself up.
Never give a addict money if he's hungry give him food. Never bail him out let him suffer the consquences.
It seems he know all of you will bail him out so he has no reason to change. everyone needs to get to gether and set boundaries and stick to them.
I know its hard but its the only way.
Take a deep breath. Try to let go for 1 minute. Say to yourself that you are bigger than this. Stop associating with him immediately. No contact at all! If your family tells you things he says about you, just act calm and say to them "it is so sad how deep his disease is right now that he is changing reality." That's it- you don't have to prove that you are not stealing his meds, or using etc.
Take another deep breath and I will do the same so this frustration doesn't drive us mad. I feel for you!
Good Luck and God Bless.