Hello again. Im just updating and venting about this past week. It wasn't good. It got so much worse. On Wednesday, he got fired from his job. It wasn't directly related to his using, but he had missed work on Monday beause he was dope sick and trying to stop using and apparently his boss is not a fan of call outs..which I think is pretty harsh considering it was his first call out....but either way...he was fired. That, of course, only made him more upset and down which just made him use more. He was crying and it was so hard for me to watch, considering that all the while I was angry and sad myself. He immediately started setting up other interviews, but of course took what little money we had left until payday and got high. It went on that way all weekend. He got "cotton fever" on Friday which scared the shit out of me and he promised that after it went away he was DONE. Well....it's tuesday...Im not at work (I work over night in a hospital) because I am just too burnt out from this, I was supposed to pay rent on Friday and now, not only am I way short of my rent...its late and I don't see any sign of getting the rest of the money anytime soon. He is expecting a paycheck today....but it won't even be enough. I can't even believe that I am in danger of losing our apartment due to this monster...this addiction that is ruining his life. Saturday he promised he was done and Sunday he promised he would try and yesterday...he didn't even bother. I cry and it appears to do nothing. I get angry and he just talks his way out of it. He manipulates me into making the decisions that ultimately lead to him using....I don't know how much longer I can do this....but I still see my loving man underneath this horrible mask. I know I can't save him...thats obvious. But I almost feel like I can't save myself. I can't imagine going through these hard times alone....but he is the reason I am going through them. As if this isn't bad enough...he has to go see his parole officer Wednesday and take a urine test....part of me feels like if he went back it would get him clean and we could start again when he gets home...but i can't do another stint of prison time without him here. Does that make me a horrible person? I don't even feel like myself and I can't believe how such a bright, fun, intelligent, gorgeous man can get himself in so deep. It breaks my heart in a million pieces and it is obvious that he doesn't care and Im crushed and lost. I guess I ultimately have to look out for my and our best interest even if he doesn't want to...but I feel my strength slipping away. I think of all the lies and I try to get mad to fuel my fire but I can't. Im tired and I don't know what my next move should be. I am going to start the group this weekend...hopefully that will help me gain perspective. Thanks for listening. I feel better...but I know it won't be for long.
Posts You May Be Interested In
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...