Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I have always focussed on AlAnon issues when I am OUT of relationships. How do you handle relating to your partner/husband who has an addiction when still IN the relationship? How do you live with an addict without him/it driving you crazy?
In short, I need boundaries dealing with a workaholic husband.
I am a veteran to AlAnon and have actually been on DS for about a year dealing with infertility/IVF. My husband and I have been married for three years. Dealing with infertilityfor two! Ugh. We just had another miscarriage a week ago...but at the same time, my husband is crashing into depression. I have long suspected he is dealing with workaholism, but only recently I picked up a book on the subject and EVERY PAGE was him. So...now, as those in co-addiction recovery know...I am now obsessing on his denial and avoidance. It scares the shit out of me. We have had trouble with intimacy, with his ambivalence about having a family because of work, with his obsessive, controlling behavior, with his hyper-responsiblity and criticism of me. The list goes on. He is a great guy, I love him a lot, but it's just hit me that I married an addict. I thought I'd kicked this! yea right. I crossed the line and asked him to read the book. He has said he would read it today, but he has picked up other books and done other things all day. He went to an SLAA meeting with me once and was really impressed, but would never go himself to a twelve step meeting, nor would he take antidepressants, even though he's really depressed. I can just tell he doesn't want to admit that this is an issue for him.
Anyway, I have to let go. But suddenly, all my noticing of his addictive behaviors (I HAVE BEEN IN SUCH DENIAL!) is making me keep my distance from him. I am afraid. Afraid his pride will stop him from looking at the truth -- that I will be in a relationship with someone who will blame me, instead of looking at himself. That we will never have real intimacy, he will always be avoiding me. It seems like anything short of his reading that book is not enough for me. But, I need to keep living with this guy! How do I support him without being too intrusive/invasive? How do I keep my heart open given my fears and frustration? What does detachment with love in this situation look like?
We have just moved and I will find out where I can go to some alanon meetings here. But I am pretty bewildered right now. Adding to this the misscariage, it's a rocky time.
k
In short, I need boundaries dealing with a workaholic husband.
I am a veteran to AlAnon and have actually been on DS for about a year dealing with infertility/IVF. My husband and I have been married for three years. Dealing with infertilityfor two! Ugh. We just had another miscarriage a week ago...but at the same time, my husband is crashing into depression. I have long suspected he is dealing with workaholism, but only recently I picked up a book on the subject and EVERY PAGE was him. So...now, as those in co-addiction recovery know...I am now obsessing on his denial and avoidance. It scares the shit out of me. We have had trouble with intimacy, with his ambivalence about having a family because of work, with his obsessive, controlling behavior, with his hyper-responsiblity and criticism of me. The list goes on. He is a great guy, I love him a lot, but it's just hit me that I married an addict. I thought I'd kicked this! yea right. I crossed the line and asked him to read the book. He has said he would read it today, but he has picked up other books and done other things all day. He went to an SLAA meeting with me once and was really impressed, but would never go himself to a twelve step meeting, nor would he take antidepressants, even though he's really depressed. I can just tell he doesn't want to admit that this is an issue for him.
Anyway, I have to let go. But suddenly, all my noticing of his addictive behaviors (I HAVE BEEN IN SUCH DENIAL!) is making me keep my distance from him. I am afraid. Afraid his pride will stop him from looking at the truth -- that I will be in a relationship with someone who will blame me, instead of looking at himself. That we will never have real intimacy, he will always be avoiding me. It seems like anything short of his reading that book is not enough for me. But, I need to keep living with this guy! How do I support him without being too intrusive/invasive? How do I keep my heart open given my fears and frustration? What does detachment with love in this situation look like?
We have just moved and I will find out where I can go to some alanon meetings here. But I am pretty bewildered right now. Adding to this the misscariage, it's a rocky time.
k
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I know it is hard for example when we think that our partner needs to be doing this or that, and what helped me most, is everyone has to do what they can or will do in "their" own time. We cannot interfere with their experience which leads to their lessons and their blessings. Everything has it's own time.
Meanwhile, we need to make decisions for US, that say we are taking good care of us, as we work through the issues. Love is an amazing thing, but there is always more that we need to look at.
We can stand by someone or not, (no judging from me) but if we do, I think we have to be as open and honest as we can about our feelings and then let go. We just cannot control or change someone. Those changes must come from within. I am sure you probably know this through al-anon, and it is really how things work. I tried SO hard to get my daughter to do this or read that, and it just does not work.
The only thing left to do is put down boundaries for us, and then think about how we get to our next better place.
I hope things get better for you soon...
EllaBlue
We love them for what they are - not what they could be. I am a therapist too, but often times have to be reminded "no one gave me the job of fixing people." All we can do is provide the tools and let them take the controls. I think for therapists it is even harder not to try and mold and change family and friends. I pray to Holy Spirit everyday to help me not judge, criticize, demean or demand from others. If I'm asked, I'll provide input, otherwise I need to work on myself.
God Bless.