Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I am so last and feeling so helpless. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and this summer he recently relapsed into heroin after an illness that had him taking percocets. He didn't tell me it had progressed to heroin and I found out on my own. I tried sooo hard to be supportive and not enabling to let him know I wouldn't leave just cause times got tough. He started lying about money and where he was and I realized that alot of things he had told me over those few weeks were lies too. Recently, he got a great job and made it sound like he was very dedicated to qutting this horrible stuff. He did the suboxone thing and I thought it was going well. I was seeing no withdrawal symptoms and he was happy and looking healthy. But then last week, he started going places he normally went with me alone and staying gone for hours. He stated he was working late EVERY NIGHT and told me he was lending a friend of his some money cause things were bad. I found out that all of that was a lie as well. He started using and got so mad when I asked where missing money was and if he needed additional help. This weekend, I let my gut feeling get away from me and I started snooping around to find out if his stories matched up. They didn't. I admitted what I did and he got so mad and it just gave him an excuse to push me further away. He won't even be intimate with me because he is so wrapped up in the lie and knows I am disappointed in what the drugs do to his libido. He still won't admit that keeping this from me and lying about where he is and what does are in fact LIES. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and why I feel like I can't help him. I know he is ashamed and doesn't want be to be disappointed, but I can't help it....he is pushing me away. I love him with all my heart and I am scared that I won't stop. He is headstrong and confident in every aspect of his life so he doesn't want to hear all the things he already knows about what he will lose by continuing this. I am so scared to lose him by not doing anything, but I am scared to lose him if I do. I don't know what to do to help him but it makes my heart hurt to see him suffering through withdrawal and being mean and secretive. If anyone has been through this or has ANY advice....please let me know. I am starting Nar-ANON meetings this weekend because I just need some guidance. It is soooo hard not to take this personally. We have slready started making plans to get married and I don't want his to be my life. I need all the help I can get! Thanks.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Sincerely,
Susan
Please know that there are three choices for our addicts. Recovery, jail or death. There really is nothing inbetween. Addiction is a disease and it progresses without treatment.
You are right, he is not doing this "TO" you but everyone that loves an addict will share in those feelings of devastation and loss. We need our recovery to find our serenity, reclaim our faith and go forth with our lives. I hate the disease but love my child more than anything on this earth.
You will stop being surprised by the lies. When in active addiction, the drugs are in control and the addict will do or say whatever is needed to keep the cycle of using, going.
There is nothing you can do to stop him, but there is much you can do for you so that your life gets better and that you don't become sick right along with him.
I am so very sorry for your pain. This road is long and hard, and we all need each other for love and support. I will say a prayer for you, and please do attend your meetings and remember to take care of you. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, without treatment things will only get worse for your addict. They lie, they steal and they do things even they cannot predict that they would do. And they do things they would NEVER of done, clean and sober.
((((hugs))) light and blessings. I am here for you.
EllaBlue
I would also high recommend buying the book from David Richo titled "How to be an adult." You state, you don't want this to be your life.... and you are right...
you don't want this as a life. Get educated, make an educated decision and STAY STRONG.
God Bless
I was involved with a heroin addict myself a few years ago and it was a living hell... in and out of detox... lies, pure pure craziness. At the same time, I understand how hard is it for you to leave him. I've been there. I can't really tell you what to do, no one can. The only thing I can do is share my experience with you. And my experience was pure hell. Ellablue's answer is awesome. She really knows what she is saying.
This disease is awful, I have it myself and I can tell you that he's not gonna stop lying and hurting you. Not because he wants to do it, but because he is a very sick person. But if sometimes you feel bad for him, try to remember that you didn't cause this disease, you can't control it or cure it. The drug is in total control of him and he will push away everyting that comes in between him and his drugs. I was told the same things when I was dating my ex. I didn't listen though. I thought.. drugs cant possible be more powerful than pure love... I was so naive... I got crushed, crushed.. I almost lost my mind... and like you are saying, it was so hard not to take everything personal.
What is going on has really nothing to do with you. YOu're just trapped in the sick circle of the disease. If you can, get out, if you can't do it right now, I think it's great that you are starting to go to Nar-Anon. I went to Al Anon and I can honestly say that that program saved me.
Just try to focus on yourself, not him... try to remember what YOU want, what YOU need. People involved with addicts are so focused on their partners and their disease, that they forget to take care of themselves...
And one more thing: if you are hoping that he's gonna get better... IF he does, it will be a very long process. There's a lot of drugs out there, but heroin is the worst of them all... Unfortunately very few recover. The ones who do recover, have to be very serious about their recovery, he would have to go a detox, then halfway house, maybe sober house after. No one gets clean just like that... on the street. The drug is too powerful...
Good luck to you and if you need anything, please know that I'm here. I know what you are going through. Please take care of yourself.
The whole 8 years he was in jail was one long, ongoing apology for what his actions had done to our daughter and to me. He honesty believed, I think, that he had finally overcome or grown out of any interest in using heroin. He was really fit and healthy before his release - seemed to be a changed person.
The day after he got out he started using again and, to cut a long story short, he's back in jail for parole violation. 'I don't understand what happened,' he says. Well, I do...
He will obviously never be safe from heroin. He's almost 50 and after everything that's happened to him, he still 'chose' heroin as the best means of support for his anxiety on release from jail. Basically, he has no other coping mechanism besides heroin.
You're just at the beginning of a journey that could really mess up your life. You sound really smart and kind. Don't let your kindness lead you down this path. You should walk away now. It's the only way you can be certain that you won't spend your life dealing with this crap. All the best to you.
In the end you will find that there is nothing you can do. This is his battle. Admitting there is a problem is only the first step. Getting clean is just the beginning. And that intial withdrawal is painful to watch but it is necessary. I honestly believe that for an addict to quit they need to go through that pain of detox. THat pain will be a reminder of what they will have to go through if they use again. I have heard quite a few recovered addicts tell me that the detox was and is the worse pain that they have ever felt in their life.
When my husband went in to a rehad for detox, I was a mess. I was crying and hysterical. The counselor there said to me in these words exactly. "Stop your f-ing crying. He is a drug addict. He is going through detox he is not DYING. He feels like he is but I assure you he is NOT!"
Don't feel bad for his suffering through detox..... he has to go through it. You need to focus on you. Heroin is a long bumpy road and it doesn't get easier until you are educated about dealing with the desease. No one can help him until he helps him self. You need to worry about you. Go to your naranon meetings and really take in everything.... eventually you will decide what path is really the best for you.
Well, it appears from her profile that her addict partner died in about October 2010.
If that's not a clear red flag warning sign about the danger of being with an active heroin addict then I don't know what is.
I guess everything happens for a reason, and this thread came up at this time for some reason. I hope with all my heart that the woman concerned is finding some degree of peace through getting help and trying to piece her life back together. To go through so much pain with someone and then they die...
If you are in pain and anguish because of an addict in your life, please talk about it here, and let people offer their hard-earned wisdom. It's never too late to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor too. Whatever it takes, get yourself and your kids safe and healthy!