I met my boyfriend in July 2005 when I started working my new job. He was in charge of training me, and I knew right away that we had a great connection. By august 2005 we were happily in love. In march 2006 i found out we were going to have a baby, i was only 17, i was scared and felt very lonely. He was mad at me because I choose not to abort. So for nine months I lived through hell. Once the baby was born he did a complete turn around, for the baby at least. There was still ALOT of tension between the two of us. We were more like roommates than an actual couple, I would go over my moms and he would work all day so we didnt spend much time together. We were not happy. He was working at a job he hated, and I was miserable living at his mothers house with him. He started buying Vicodine pills from someone at his work, and we would take them. In May 2007 he went to work at his moms bar. This started the downward spiral. He started drinking every night, plus he was taking these pills. Then during the summer we would go to the shore, and we would both spend the weekend getting drunk. In August 2007, he completely relapsed, and I knew deep down that he was using heroin again, but i didnt want to believe it, so i would blame it on the pills and alcohol. After about 6 weeks, he came clean with me, and admitted to relapsing, all our money was gone, [[keep in mind we had a 9 month old]], & he was getting sick because he needed another supply and didnt have the money for it. He did make an appointment to go to get on methadone, he told me saturday, and he was getting put on methadone on wednesday. I was a rough 4 days. I couldnt stop crying I was getting depressed, making it hard to care for my baby. he was high all 4 days and i just couldnt stand to look at him. But i decided to stay and try and help, i knew if i didnt he wouldnt have a reason to stop, and we had a child together, he needed to get better, so i pulled myself together and stood there strong. After he had started methadone about a week later, our relationship grew so strong again, just like in the beginning, i left so in love with him again, and so happy. But now because i never dealt with my emotions from the start they are haunting me now. We found out about a month ago we are expecting our second child together, we are very happy, both of us this time. So im very emotional because of that too. I just never really got to be upset and talk about how i felt, the anger, the disappointment, the pain it caused and now i cant seem to let go. Every little thing that doesnt add up right in my mind I start thinking he is doing it again, and he is trying his best to clean, and he is doing an amazing job. and he understands to a degree why i am this way but he doesnt fully understand why i cant just move on from this. but the truth is im scared, i feel like if i let it go and it happens again i will have to relive that pain again, but right now i relive it everyday. so it really doesnt make sense. But I guess in my mind if i keep it there than ill expect it to happen, and if im expecting it to happen than when it does it wont hurt as bad as it did last time. I dont blame him for what happened, hes an addict, i knew from the start. he was very honest about it, so i always knew there was a possibility, but i guess i thought he'd come to me when he was having trouble, and instead i was last, everyone knew way before i did. so not only am i hurting i am embarassed. I just need to learn how to cope with my feelings now, how to acknowledge them and move on from it.
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