I can't believe that I was stupid enough to believe that trying to keep my family together for the thousandth time would actually work. My ex-husband is a cocaine/crack addict. It starts with weed and then moves to his drug of choice. He's been in and out of the best rehabs--ones that I couldn't afford but found a way. I've been to pawn shops to recover my grandmother's diamond among other items, replaced money in my daughter's piggy bank. I discovered a crack pipe under my middle class suburban home's area rug just inches away from my son. I divorced him only on paper to protect the custody of my children. We kept trying. It's been over a decade of insanity. I've told my children (6 & 7) before that they can't see their father because of drugs. We didn't see him for the entire year in 2009. I took him back slowly because he seemed to make more progress than ever before. Then my "red flags" began popping up. You know those little behavior signs that something isn't right and you begin looking for that shoe to fall? I received confirmation of his relapse in many forms the last few days. I am confronting him with his parents tomorrow. I will allow him to have supervised visitation at his parents house for a few hours a week because I think my kids need that. My children will be devastated because they grew closer to him this time. My heart doesn't hurt for me. I am not sad or upset that he and I will not be together--it's actually a huge relief that my life can become normal again. I am sick and broken for my children. How do I manage this in a healthy way for them? How do I tell them? I've always been honest and encouraged discussion. I'm too tired to be angry anymore--maybe if I had some anger to take out on him it would help me feel better. My children--all children--deserve better than this. After tomorrow, he will be out of my life and mostly out of my children's lives. If I have no anger, how do I maintain that line and not allow him access into our lives again so we can finally begin to heal? Any advice would be welcomed and much appreciated! Thank-you!
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