I would love to have you as a friend and its true there are functioning addicts but it seems to be us that are so codependant. I just left a abusive herion addict and now I am with a functioning herion addict who doesnt steal, but what is crazy I have never done it in my life. if you feel safe for him to be with the kids follow your heart

I just finished reading the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. By Lundy Bancroft
It talks about woman like us who are married to men who do drugs or drink and how we start to doubt our choice when we finally get the nerve to make them leave. You made the right choice, when abuse is involved it only gets worst.
I left my abusive husband 15 yrs ago it was the best thing I ever did. Like you it was hard and it took a year to get my life under control but I have never regretted leaving him.
Stay strong, if you can get this book the library can get it for you if they don't have it in stock. If he comes back yes you'll have a car and things will seem better for awhile but until he gets help nothing will change. In a month or two you will be asking yourself why did you let him back. Check into some support for yourself.

Why does he have the car? If you can't get it back, can you borrow to get another one? If you can't do that, keep trying to get help from others and using public transport. Be assertive with people, lay it out straight and say you need some support, and you need them to confirm whether or not they can provide it. There are solo parent support groups and networks around - you need to go and find them.

Regarding the domestic abuse - this always affects children's psychology and development, whether or not they were hit. If they see or hear violence, or even know about it happening, research has proven that it affects their brain development. They will have conflicted feelings of love for both parents but knowing that Daddy hurt Mommy. This is too hard for kids to understand and make sense of. They need counselling - which may be available for free in your area - you need to find out how to get it. Try calling a women's shelter - they can refer you to someone and help you get funding if you need it.

They do need a relationship with their Dad. This is for them, not him. Seek professional advice about how to set up a visitation plan that will keep them safe and help them come to terms with what he did to you. They love and need both of you - but their time with him needs to be carefully managed so they are emotionally safe.

I too have to ask, why does he have the car? Let his butt walk. As far as your children. He hasn't touched them..yet. I have to disagree with "holdontohope". My kids' pediatrician adviced me long ago to leave their dad and NOT let the man near them. I didn't listen and my kids are still dealing with issues created by a sick man. The best thing I did was get my kids into counseling a long time ago. The counselor would have a better feeling for what this man is capable of.

I know for my 4 children they had limited contact with their dad. He was a alcoholic and I thought if I don't want to be around his drinking and abuse why would I want to subject my children to that. I am thankful his fatherly role he was playing was short lived and within a year he hardly called them or would call, say he is coming and never show up.

Your story sounds a lot like mine but he is not violent to me or our child. Other than his love for oxys and other legally prescribed opiates he holds a decent job and was just promoted.

We have a toddler and he is currently in detox and will be home in a few days. Then I will monitor his progress before I decide if he will have the privilege to be around his daughter.

I have mixed feelings about the visitation thing because "they" have been high around our children before, we can't deny that. And it's a double edge sword because if we let him see them are we rewarding them? and if we don't are we making our children suffer? I think the best thing would be a middle ground, where you set boundaries.

Now about the car, I don't drive and there is no public transportation around here to speak of so I know how you feel. I have to depend on him or his parents to get me around. Why does he have the car? Is it in his name and who pays for it? If you're paying for it, stop and rent yourself a car or buy something used with it instead. If he's pawning stuff left and right, the car might be next. You might have more rights than you think and if you contact your local legal aid society you might be able to speak to an attorney pro bono.

Now about the coping with every day stressors...his stressors are getting the drug. Get rid of the addiction and there are no more stressors! Men can be such idiots....Mine whines about the same $hit but we deal with so much more AND their addiction.

Sorry, forgot something. It didn't bother me when he drove on pills because they were prescribed and he's been on them so long I didn't know any different. Until the other day he was dealing with the withdrawal and had the audacity to try and go pick up our daughter from daycare. I made him call my IL to pick her up instead. Then the other day he was so sick "driving to work" he had to go to ER and checked himself into detox. All I can tell you is this man was willing to drive around like that with my baby. No matter how loving and a good father he has been that kinda negated things.

Prescription drugs can be just as bad as drink driving, even if they are being taken as prescribed. Any kind of impairment should be enough to make a person hand the keys over - fatigue, high emotions, rage, these can all cause crashes. A car is a lethal weapon unless the person is 100% on the job of driving.

Anyway, Lynne you're right, access should be supervised or there should be no access if the parent is a danger to the kids. I should have added that caveat. It's just that sometimes you can't win that argument in court, and you end up having to tolerate the kids being with the person when you know in your heart it's not right. Hopefully in that situation they lose interest, like Katrinka's ex did. Always so sad when a parent rejects their kids or is too self-absorbed to step up to the plate. No doubt about that.

My ex messes with my kids' heads, but they are getting older all the time and one day they will see the light. Despite his behaviour, I know they would miss him too much if they didn't see him. I just try to do my best when I have them, and give them lots of love and security to counteract the negatively he gives them. They're amazingly resilient little beings.

When I hear that "he hit me but he doesn't hit our children", I just cringe. I used that excuse to stay with my husband for years before he died of addiction and now I hear from them how much it hurt them to see him hit me. One of my sons, now with terrible mental and alcoholic problems, still cries when he tells me, "Mom, I wanted to protect you but he was so big, I just couldn't."

DON'T KID YOURSELF! Your children are hurting every day that they see how much he is hurting you and the family. Unless a child has a home that is stable and where he or she feels safe, that child is being abused mentally and emotionally, even if not physically.