Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Detach with love?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I've read some alanon meetings and read some literature and they always say detach with love.
Frankly, all I feel is disgust for the alcoholic.
I am at wits end and he is constantly in my face critizing. How do you detach under these circumstances? Let alone do it in a caring manner.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Tey, detaching with love, or forgiving is something that we do for US. For so long, I was such a wreck that I thought I was doing certain things or being asked to do certain things FOR the addict. We want to let go of our anger, and resentments so that we can heal. This does NOT mean that we condone what the person does that is not being kind to us and it does not mean that we have to stay there with them. If this situation is something that you do not want to stay in, no-one will judge you.

Also, I think we have to process all of those emotions to get to our next better place. We DO feel anger and disgust and a whole host of emotions.There is nothing wrong with you for re-acting to the situation at first. Eventually though, unless we can let go with love we will get as sick as the addict without taking drugs. The anger and stress will just keep us stuck and that is damaging to us as all around.

I DO understand how you feel though. I remember being so angry and so hurt that I wanted to launch my daughter straight to the moon!

Keep working on you, and set some healthy boundaries for you hun. When someone is rude to me, screams in my face, the conversation is over. I remove myself, period.
((hugs))
EllaBlue
deleted_user
deleted_user
Also..there is no rule that says you have to detach with love. If you are angry, detach in anger. I think that is better then not detaching at all. Once you have detached, then you can work on the anger. I always find that when I don't detach..i just stay angry.
mgs1
mgs1
vgillis is right... it is even more important to detach when you are angry. Detach with love means, not belittling and making the addict feel worse about himself than he already does. Detach with love, means you love yourself enough to take care of yourself and not become a second-hand victim of his addiction - it does not mean love the addict to the detriment of yourself.
Stay strong. God bless.
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