
Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My father was an alcholic, though in later years he was what I refer to as a 'dry drunk'. In other words, still had the same personality, emotional and communication problems-- whether he drank or not. I went to ACOA meetings for a few years and I honestly thought I dealt with my issues two d0ecades ago.
Unfortunately, Dad died a few months ago-- now it's just my sister, my mother and myself, each in our own residence...and I find myself feeling very much like the scared, lost little girl from my childhood. Those very same feelings are back and it's almost like I'm reliving it all over again!
My sister is an alcholic-- and a crack addict to boot! Everything snowballed when my father became ill and died. He didn't provide for my mother-- they owned 2 homes, one mom and dad lived in and the other my sister 'rents' (she doesn't pay rent, her boyfriend does-- SHE doesn't work a real job) Crack is 'her' job.. but I digress :(
Anyway, both houses are in shambles--I planned to sell my house, move into mom's because she doesn't make enough money to maintain her home...BUT I'm scared to death of going back into a situation where she feels obligated to help my sister.
Don't misunderstand, I love my sister and I'd do almost anything for her-- but I can't function in all that chaos. It is driving me crazy....every time my mother defends her, believes her story or makes excuses for her, all of those feelings come rushing right back hitting me like a freight train.
I don't know-- it's Friday, most people can't wait for the weekend... these days I dread it, because I know I have to face them and deal with their little insanity.
You are right, it is an extremely hard struggle to go with seeing the people you love throw themselves away like that, and yes, being forgotten is a big part of that as well. But yes, I do know where you are coming from!
alcoholic. He past 15 years ago mainly do to his drinking.
Kindr, your mom fell into defending your dad for all those years, so it was easy for her to do the same thing with your sister.
One of the hardest things to do with an addict is to do nothing.
There were 7 of us kids growing up and it effected us all but in different ways.
My mom took her anger out on us kids because of him.
It took me several years after leaving home to forgive both of them. I noticed I snapped at my own children easily, I seen the fear in there eye's that I remembered as a child. It upset me to the point I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me over come my anger towards my parents. I did not contact my parents for a couple years and I dealt with my feelings and one day I picked up the phone a called them. It was probably the best thing I had ever done not contacting them for all that time.
Before that I craved a close relationship with my mom and no matter how ugly she treated me I went back for more and she just kept making me feel worse and worse about myself.
We are close now.
But if it wasn't for me forgiving them and getting past things and allowing myself to grow without any contact with them,I don't know if I would be the person that I am today.
I miss my dad and it's been 15 years, but I am so glad I forgave him many years before he died.
I was with Dad when he passed and I am grateful that he knew we were there for him and that he was loved.
The biggest issue for me now is dealing with my Mom, who has very comfortably slid back into the role of making excuses for my sister.
I was with my dad just before he past,he had slipped into a coma but just before he looked right at me and ask me to forgive him. I said I love you.
I didn't realize he was dieing, I thought the shot they gave him was just causing him to sleep, I made the 9 hour trip back home to get a call within a couple hours with the words from mom your dad just past away.
I had more guilt from leaving, then anything else at first.
Things will trigger the old memory's from time to time.
I guess what I'm going through now is more like a haunting, dejuvu-type feeling, that anxiety in the pit of your stomach when you want to get yourself small and just disappear.
message me if you want to talk more! x
I just joined this site yesterday and stumbled upon your message .. how are you doing now?
I lost my mom two years ago to her alcholism and it's still very hard although time does heal you somewhat. My mom was 54 when she died and she had been an alcoholic my entire life (I was 32 when she died). Like you I was never angry with her while she was alive, I was worried all the time and wondered when it would get the best of her. After she died I also felt the same guilt and a bit of anger like you mentioned .. now that two years have passed I am able to think of her fondly and remember fun times but I also can't get over what she did to herself and to some extent what she did to me (leaving this world so young) and I do feel some guilt over not helping her more .. although counselling has helped a bit with that.
You're right about the children of alcoholics being forgotten .. when you lose an addict to their addiction I think their death is more complicated for us to deal with than a loss to old age or to a motor vehicle accident or cancer .. you are mourning the loss and battling secretly with all the other issues (anger, embarrassment, guilt, and the secrecy) .. even though alcholism is an addiction it has a huge stigma and no one wants to talk about it and people see the addict as a weak person who couldn't control themselves. I learned quickly after she was gone that I ought to talk about her addiction, that covering it up was doing me no good at all.
Anyway, lots more to say, but I write you all this to let you know that if you want to talk more I'm happy to anytime .. and it would probably do me some good too :)
I lived my childhood with a Mom with addictions and eventually they got her in a car accident landing her in a comatose state for 13+ years.
I don't know about the guilt but I think the anger has a lot to do with the fact that now you can actually LET yourself feel it. I mean it only makes sense that you would feel negatively towards someone (especially a parent that you look up to and that is supposed to love you even before themselves) that mistreated you. I don't know if you feel the guilt in response to this anger (it feels rotten to feel anything negatively towards someone that has passed away) but I have often felt guilty for being angry at my Mom for having an addiction. I mean they are victims of it just like we are so it feels like sh*t to be mad at someone that we also feel so sorry for.