Well I am in a similar situation which my mom hasn't died but I understand what you are talking about with the children of being forgotten, in my case it seemed my mom worried more about people talking abuot her, then she worried about what it was doing to me. My mom tried to lie to me alot abuot things that happened to her, like she made me spend a week with my step dads sister, cause she had to go to jail for dui that i never knew abuot until i got older. Now I deal with my dad being a crack addict, and also my Husband isn't even 30 yet and he has been an alcholic since he was 14 years old. So I truly understand where you are coming from!

Hi,
My father was an alcholic, though in later years he was what I refer to as a 'dry drunk'. In other words, still had the same personality, emotional and communication problems-- whether he drank or not. I went to ACOA meetings for a few years and I honestly thought I dealt with my issues two d0ecades ago.

Unfortunately, Dad died a few months ago-- now it's just my sister, my mother and myself, each in our own residence...and I find myself feeling very much like the scared, lost little girl from my childhood. Those very same feelings are back and it's almost like I'm reliving it all over again!

My sister is an alcholic-- and a crack addict to boot! Everything snowballed when my father became ill and died. He didn't provide for my mother-- they owned 2 homes, one mom and dad lived in and the other my sister 'rents' (she doesn't pay rent, her boyfriend does-- SHE doesn't work a real job) Crack is 'her' job.. but I digress :(

Anyway, both houses are in shambles--I planned to sell my house, move into mom's because she doesn't make enough money to maintain her home...BUT I'm scared to death of going back into a situation where she feels obligated to help my sister.

Don't misunderstand, I love my sister and I'd do almost anything for her-- but I can't function in all that chaos. It is driving me crazy....every time my mother defends her, believes her story or makes excuses for her, all of those feelings come rushing right back hitting me like a freight train.

I don't know-- it's Friday, most people can't wait for the weekend... these days I dread it, because I know I have to face them and deal with their little insanity.

I am also a child of an alcoholic. Of two actually. Both my parents were heavy alcoholics, and my Mother most likely got cancer beacause of it.

You are right, it is an extremely hard struggle to go with seeing the people you love throw themselves away like that, and yes, being forgotten is a big part of that as well. But yes, I do know where you are coming from!

I to had a father that was an
alcoholic. He past 15 years ago mainly do to his drinking.
Kindr, your mom fell into defending your dad for all those years, so it was easy for her to do the same thing with your sister.
One of the hardest things to do with an addict is to do nothing.
There were 7 of us kids growing up and it effected us all but in different ways.
My mom took her anger out on us kids because of him.
It took me several years after leaving home to forgive both of them. I noticed I snapped at my own children easily, I seen the fear in there eye's that I remembered as a child. It upset me to the point I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me over come my anger towards my parents. I did not contact my parents for a couple years and I dealt with my feelings and one day I picked up the phone a called them. It was probably the best thing I had ever done not contacting them for all that time.
Before that I craved a close relationship with my mom and no matter how ugly she treated me I went back for more and she just kept making me feel worse and worse about myself.
We are close now.
But if it wasn't for me forgiving them and getting past things and allowing myself to grow without any contact with them,I don't know if I would be the person that I am today.
I miss my dad and it's been 15 years, but I am so glad I forgave him many years before he died.

I understand what you're saying (Jade5), I guess what puzzles me is that I thought I HAD dealt with my issues and forgiven them.

I was with Dad when he passed and I am grateful that he knew we were there for him and that he was loved.

The biggest issue for me now is dealing with my Mom, who has very comfortably slid back into the role of making excuses for my sister.

It's becasue you are dealing with all the memory's coming flooding back. Your dad's death triggered them. But before long you'll start remember the good times. At one point in my life I really didn't think there were any good times. But there was and I remember those times often.
I was with my dad just before he past,he had slipped into a coma but just before he looked right at me and ask me to forgive him. I said I love you.
I didn't realize he was dieing, I thought the shot they gave him was just causing him to sleep, I made the 9 hour trip back home to get a call within a couple hours with the words from mom your dad just past away.
I had more guilt from leaving, then anything else at first.
Things will trigger the old memory's from time to time.

I'm not so sure that Dad's death triggered the memories as much as my Mother's reaction to my sister-- and the chaos that surrounds my sister and her addiction. It's not as if I have bad memories-- sometimes it's even a lack of them...some things I just completely blocked out and don't remember at all-- like family meals....it's really weird, I know we had them-- I just can't remember them...no memory whatsoever.

I guess what I'm going through now is more like a haunting, dejuvu-type feeling, that anxiety in the pit of your stomach when you want to get yourself small and just disappear.

Im in a simular situation, however my mum hasnt died from it... The reason you may feel guilty or angry (i most definatly feel the same and my counceller talks to me about this all the time) is that you feel responsible for her drinking, and feel the need to always take it away from her or be there to care for her. Its not your responsibility at all and you shouldnt blame yourself for any of this. It was your mums choice, you didnt have a say in it and unfortunatly you couldnt stop her. I understand why you may feel angry or guilty completely, your not alone :]
message me if you want to talk more! x

thanks to everybody who replied, i think that jade5 is right and forgiveness is the key but its so very hard to do isnt it. i didnt realise that i hadnt forgiven her untill recently but im letting go slowly. thanks xx

Hi Lou ..

I just joined this site yesterday and stumbled upon your message .. how are you doing now?

I lost my mom two years ago to her alcholism and it's still very hard although time does heal you somewhat. My mom was 54 when she died and she had been an alcoholic my entire life (I was 32 when she died). Like you I was never angry with her while she was alive, I was worried all the time and wondered when it would get the best of her. After she died I also felt the same guilt and a bit of anger like you mentioned .. now that two years have passed I am able to think of her fondly and remember fun times but I also can't get over what she did to herself and to some extent what she did to me (leaving this world so young) and I do feel some guilt over not helping her more .. although counselling has helped a bit with that.

You're right about the children of alcoholics being forgotten .. when you lose an addict to their addiction I think their death is more complicated for us to deal with than a loss to old age or to a motor vehicle accident or cancer .. you are mourning the loss and battling secretly with all the other issues (anger, embarrassment, guilt, and the secrecy) .. even though alcholism is an addiction it has a huge stigma and no one wants to talk about it and people see the addict as a weak person who couldn't control themselves. I learned quickly after she was gone that I ought to talk about her addiction, that covering it up was doing me no good at all.

Anyway, lots more to say, but I write you all this to let you know that if you want to talk more I'm happy to anytime .. and it would probably do me some good too :)

Hi :)

I lived my childhood with a Mom with addictions and eventually they got her in a car accident landing her in a comatose state for 13+ years.

I don't know about the guilt but I think the anger has a lot to do with the fact that now you can actually LET yourself feel it. I mean it only makes sense that you would feel negatively towards someone (especially a parent that you look up to and that is supposed to love you even before themselves) that mistreated you. I don't know if you feel the guilt in response to this anger (it feels rotten to feel anything negatively towards someone that has passed away) but I have often felt guilty for being angry at my Mom for having an addiction. I mean they are victims of it just like we are so it feels like sh*t to be mad at someone that we also feel so sorry for.

MY SITUATIONS SIMILAR MY MOM DIED IN 2006 FROM CHRONIC ALCOHOLISM AND I STILL GET MAD FRUSTRATED IT'S HARD. WHEN I LOOK BACK AT PICS OF HER I FEEL I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS COMING TO HER END. YOU FORGET THAT EVENTUALLY WE ALL DIE UNTIL YOUR SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH IT, I GUESS I THOUGHT MY MOM WAS THE EXCEPTION AND WAS INVINSIBLE. JADE5 IS RIGHT FORGIVNESS IS THE KEY. IT'S HARD MY MOM DIED 5 MONTHS AFTER MY SON WAS BORN SO I JUST KEEP EVERTHING BALLED IN TO BE THERE FOR MY SON, NOT GOOD!!! TALKING, WRITING OR THINKING ABOUT IT AND HEALING FROM IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET PAST IT!!! TRUST ME IT'S BEEN 1 YR AND 2 MONTHS AND I'M FINALLY DEALING WITH IT LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED YESTERDAY. IF YOU NEED ANYTHING TO VENT TO BITCH A HUG I'M HERE

I can relate as well. One of my parents died from complications due to addiction. Have you read Adult Children of Alcoholics? It's been helpful to me to understand why I think in the ways that I do.