Hi
my husband has been clean for about 150 days(from a 2 year meth addiction). He went to a rehab program in June and finished it in July. Does not attend any 12 step programs at this point- thinks he doesn't need to. I have really been struggling and trying really hard to let go and not have suspensions of him using again. believe me my radar is up- I can't help it but I REALLY try hard to keep it to myself. He is not someone I can talk to about his addiction he just gets mad. Ok on to why I need help or advice. Last night he came home from work and I cooked dinner. usually he is a big eater which not eating is a huge sign of meth usage as I have learned- thanks to him. Well he eats a burrito and says he is full so of course here goes I think oh shit here we go. I ask why aren't you hungry he says I just drank 2 glasses of milk. I say oh and roll my eyes....(maybe I shouldn't have done that) but come on sorry but he dragged me into this life of addiction and I am struggling with it. Actually I think I have been really good and keep A LOT to myself which I don't believe I should have to. So then he gets up and throws the rest of his dinner away and disappears.... About 15 minutes later I go in the room and he is bed (it's 7pm) said nothing to me just went in and went to bed.... ya know it must be nice to have no responsibilities in the evening. I come home from working 8 hrs and having a 45 min. commute to cook dinner, clean up dinner, bathe the kids and put them to bed while he usually does nothing but watch T.V. Well back to my problem- after not eating and then he goes straight to bed I start to really have some suspensions.... so I do the rest of my evening duties with no help once again and not doing it quietly so he can sleep while I am up doing everything on my own once again. Then I go to bed at 10. Then he gets up in the morning at 8:30 and starts bang things and so on. I say you know I don't need this immature shit. SO here we go he starts yelling calling me names throwing his food on the table, then throwing his glass plate in the trash and telling me I made him feel like shit since I asked him why he wasn't eating last night and that I was accusing him of using and I told him with the way is acting I think he is. WWIII starts he screaming at me some more calling me more names (all of the behavior he use to do when he was using). Now what the hell am I suppose to think. I told him he doesn't give a shit on what his using has done to me and now I am unable to ask him if I have suspensions or even talk to him about his addiction- You know I didn't do this he did and now I can't even talk about it- that is just great...... You know maybe next time he decides to use he should ask me if I am up to this and then lay out how I am suppose to react according to him.... He just does not care on what this has done to me. If he wanted my suspensions to go away or wanted me to understand he would be willing to answer any and all of my question's- Am i wrong?????? should I be over the suspensions????? I just keep thinking back to January when i found out about this addiction and I chose to stay and try to be supportive(it has been the hardest thing I have ever done) and I think why did I make that decision....... He has made NO amends for what he has done and then makes me feel like I shouldn't be asking him question or having any suspensions..... I couldn't tell him how to go through recovery but he can tell me how to recover from this and expect me to just be ok since he isn't using what the F-ck. How dare him. He has bragged me through hell and back-he has no idea what this has done to me and I really don't think he cares- not his problem. He has NEVER sat down and asked me how I am can he help me in anyway with this or show any care or concern about me in all of this. My doctor put me on anti depressants because I was loosing it and I didn't even tell him about it for a couple of months because I knew I would get no support and when I finally did tell him guess what I got NOTHING...... I can't take much more of this. I guess I am suppose to be supportive but since he is the addict he doesn't have to be to me???? I just want to know was I wrong for asking or having suspensions????? Should I be over this (he dragged me through this for 2 years and now I should just be good since he isn't using)????? Any advice anyone????? Once again I am letting his addiction make my life a living hell and driving me up the wall. Hell is becoming a very familiar place for me thanks to him no wait thanks to me letting him do this- that is how I should say it. I question myself all the time as to why I do this to myself.......