This was such a hard post to read because it's obvious you are so hurt by this. I am so sorry. I know it makes no sense to you why he would do this, and you don't understand why it happened and you don't know how you will get through it. We all feel/felt/will feel the same way. Please understand that wondering what you could have done different is going to hurt you more, and then understand that you're going to feel that way at times anyway. The doctors are more right than not, but they have a dispassionate, clinical way of handing you a list of "normal" feelings for grief like it's a comfort at all. Understanding what you're going through makes your rough journey to healing some of the pain (and I emphasize some). We all hurt time and again over our losing our loved ones to suicide, how can we not? Seek support and understanding as much as you can. Your ex was someone important and vital to you and you can't expect that to diminish. My only advise is to take your days as they come, don't try to strive for total healing all at once at any point. Allow yourself bad days and hard thoughts. Understand you will cry when you wish you wouldn't. And talk to those who feel many of the things you do, like on here. There seems always be someone around, and from what I've seen, every single one of these people are caring, wonderful, supportive people who struggle to live in their new worlds together. Bless your heart Kalei.

my brother left no note
just sat in a chair put a gun to his head and shot.
as simple as that no more brother.
its been 14 years this Oct. reading this fresens the moment. Cant get the site out of my mind. It never compleatly goes away, but only time makes it liveable. I do know my brother would not want be to mourn for him constantly, he would never want me to go through the pain he did. Nothing any one can say can make the pain go away, but youve probably heard it does get better. It does its just long and slow.

Keep this in your mind:

YOU DO NOT OWN THIS!!!

There are herbs that can help you to get calm, such as Valerian root. It may take the edge off of the tightness enough for you to prevent snappage. Then, try to find something physical to do that will occupy your mind so that you can go at least some time without thinking about it. It helps.

But, keep it firmly in your mind that you do not own this. It is not your fault. People that do these things find ways to prevent anyone from stopping them, up to and including hiding their plans.

After my brother killed himself I wanted to bang my head against the wall. There are moments when I still do. But the moments are fewer and farther between. Time does really make it better.

Time, and accepting that it is not your fault.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. My love shot himself in July. Your doctors are right, what you're feeling is normal, and IT WILL STOP. But your body and mind have to go through a grieving/shock process first. Melatonin is really helpful (with no potential harm or danger) if you need help sleeping, and I found it very helpful to talk to a psychologist. I still go to the cemetery every week. But I used to go 3 times a week. It does get "better". We're here if you need us. We get it.

Your post brought tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. My oldest son also used a gun in his death by suicide in Sept. That image tries to get in sometimes but I have to push it away immediately. I can't bear the thought, the image of him that way. I am so sorry you have that image in your mind - it breaks the heart to see our loved ones that way.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your doctor. Yes, what you are going through is normal. But unless they have also suffered from such a loss, they do not know - so are not equipped to tell you the grieving has to stop. My second son (yes I have lost two sons) was accidently shot and killed by a friend 15 years ago - I have never "gotten over" his death and I never will. What has happened is I have learned to cope with llife without him. I still think of him at least once a day and I still fall to pieces sometimes where the pain is as raw as the day he died. No one ever "gets over" their loved ones death - how can we? When my doctor asked how I was doing, I told him how I was coping - he told me it was good for him to know, as a doctor, how a parent is coping with such a loss. He told me whatever it takes for me to learn to handle it, is good for me. He never told me the grieving had to stop . A few years later, he lost his mother and wrote me a letter, telling me he understood a tiny bit of what I must be feeling.

So, if you don't mind the advice, give in to your grief when you need to. Let your family know why you are crying - whether you just miss him, are angry at him, are questioning "why?". This allows them the freedom to do the same and we know how talking helps us out. Talk about your son in the way you do all the people you love. Treasure your memories. And don't worry - you are not crazy having all this grief and feelings you can't get a hold of. It has been so few days since this horrendous tragedy happened to your family. Ignore the advice of people who haven't "been there". They mean well but they just don't know. Give yourself a hug from me. always, Shirley

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. You do need to just feel it, it has been 16 or so yrs since my grandma and I only think of good times but it has only been 1yr and 1/2 since my only sibling, brother and the raw emotion that I felt was what I thought unbearable but time does help it get better, it never goes away, my grandma shot herself, but she still could have open casket, my brother hanged himself and was on a respirator for 1 week so I did get to lay next to him and talk, my exhusband slowly drank himself to death so I did go over and visit and get that one last kiss, but they are still gone, I go to the cemetary and visit him all the time, my bro is 45 min away and my mom 10 hrs away so I go to the ex's and it makes me feel better. Time will take some of the pain away, you need to go through it and try not to cover it up with anything, like I did, it just makes it harder later. It WILL GET BETTER, take it from all of us who has had time to process it. I still think about my brother almost every minute but my ex, not so much, it was a year for him on Oct 3rd, it still hurts but it is getting better. Nothing will ease the pain except time, I'm very sorry for you having to go through this, I have been through it so many times, 3 in my family, 3 attempts by one friend and my ex, slowly but we didn't think he was going to die so it was a shock. Good Luck honey and keep coming on here it was another site like this that saved my life when it first happened, we are the only ones that understand. God Bless, kelly

I am truly sorry. Please don't think you "should have known." Looking back, many things look like a foreshadowing or seem obvious. They most often are not obvious beforehand.

When my sister died, I was in constant pain for 15 months until I had relief with the thought that at least she had not suffered all those 15 months, and would not again. I set aside Sundays for crying.

The only way out of the pain is through it. One day at a time.

I'm new to DS...just joined last weekend. I wanted to let you know that I lost my dad to suicide years ago. He was such a dear sweet gentle man and I miss him every day. He wouldn't want me to be sad in any way but I can't help feeling like I got kicked in the stomach. It does get better...but it will never entirely go away. I felt like NO one on earth knew how I felt. There was no support from anyone. Years later, I'm better but not where I wish I was. Talk about it...cry about it...come here and write. Whatever helps. You're not alone. By being here, you're helping us, too. We've all been through it. Just take care of yourself and if we can help..we're here.

Kalei...

I don't know of words that could ever ease what you are feeling. If I did, I would be one in a long line of people ready to give you those words. As everyone has expressed, we've been there and are there for you.

I lost my brother not quite three weeks ago. He, too, shot himself. He was getting off work, and I guess he felt he couldn't go on any further in the pain and hurt that he was going through. So, he took his revolver and placed it against his temple and killed himself. I cannot imagine what his friends at work saw, nor do I want to. I have a picture of my brother here by the computer during happier times, and he has his wonderful smile that I can look at to know that once upon a time he WAS happy.

We're dealing with the fact my brother was very unhappy in his marriage.. something we only suspected, as my brother was very private and didn't talk a whole lot. In addition to that, we are learning JUST how his wife and in-laws were and are. They asked twice to go to the area at his work to see where he "did it". When I learned this, I told his best friend that they had nothing to worry about from mom, myself or my sister. We not only didn't want to see it, it's was something we never wanted to see... choosing to remember our son/brother in a MUCH better way.

It is two weeks today since we buried him, and only now are we learning how my sister in law and her family treated my aunts, uncle, cousins, and family in general. I won't go into it, but it devastates me that they were so cold and callous. Knowing that they didn't like him and he didn't like them... to see the fake emotions and "put on" endearments made me physically sick. And yes, they were fake. Everything revolved around them... and never once did I hear them talk about how they would miss him or anything about him. It was always "who are you?", "I'm his grandmother". Nevermind that both sets of our grandparents are gone.. the last one passing away just before Halloween last year.

So the "rubberband tightness" you express, I understand. There's a part of me that wants never to see them again... and on occasion I want to see each of them one last time to slap the frickin' crap out of them.

Some day, hopefully, you'll be able to pull out his picture and remember the event that went on for it to be taken. In remembering, you'll shed some tears... but the pain won't be as intense as it is now. You'll remember him for him... and not what he did. But that... will take time.

{{{{{{{{Kalei}}}}}}}

You are in my thoughts and prayers!