Heres my story. This is the first time I am speaking/ writing about it to anyone who wasnt already involved. I met shea when I was 14. I feel in love with him immediatly. Within a few months we were inseparable. When I met him he had just come from a rehab/ hospital. He was seeing a psychiotrist and on all kinds of medication for anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I didnt like the idea of that, but at the time I was only worried about us being together. When he turned 18 his insurance was cut off so he could no longer afford his medicine. Still together I told him he had no reason to need it anymore. I would help him through it. When we turned 21 we were married under a big oak tree in the middle of the woods. Everybody was crying tears of happiness. It was a perfect moment. There were no worries, no pills, just more love then could be described. The first year was rough being on our own, but we were good. The second year was rougher. He started sleeping less at night. I would spend countless nights holding him while he wept. Trying to tell him that everything is ok. We have each other the rest of the world doesnt matter. He started burning through jobs, smoking pot, finding pills to try to self medicate. He hated working cause he hated to be around people. And yet he was the most impresive speaker. He could capture anyone he talked to into a 4 hour conversation. He was a poet, and artist and beautiful all at once. And I was everything to him. i dont know why, but I loved it at first. But then he started to tell me." You are the only reason I am still here" over and over again. He ended up getting arrested for the drugs. From that point on it was a steep fall downhill for both of us. We had to move back in with my parents, he wasnt working, I was trying to finish my final year of college and really wanting to start a family. I knew the circumstances were not appropiate. And then I started thinking will they ever be. I told him I wanted a family. He said he didnt want kids because he thought he would make a terrible parent. One night asked him again and he said why do you want a kid so bad and I replied, because I want a part of you to remain when you decide to leave me. He looked at me and said ok we can try. We celabrated our 3rd anniversary at age 24. four months later I left him. It was the hardest thing I could do because I loved him so much. I met someone not long after and ended up getting pregnant which was not planned. I was 3 months pregnant and it was only 6 months since I left him when I found out that he had commited suicide. Its been a year and 3 months and I feel like I dont know what happiness or love or emotion is. I have a beautiful child that I love so much and all I keep thinking is" she is the only reason I am alive"
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