(Anything that is blacked out is information that I know she would have not wanted the whole world to know therefore it will remain a mystery to you)

Miriam was my bestfriend and she chose to take her own life on Friday, March 17, 2006, Here is my story...

Thursday, March 9, 2006:

Miriam and I are in Personnel Fitness together this period and we normally work out in the weight room. We laugh together at the different exercises because of the things they...kind of portray...Anyways we were leaving the weight room because the first bell rang to go change. We got up and started to walk out the door. Miriam was talking to me using her hands when I noticed scars on her arms. I immediately knew what she had done because she had been telling me she was depressed for quite some time. I grabbed her arm and yelled at her. "What the fuck is that Miriam?! I know you're depressed but you can't do that please...I just love you...if you need to talk to me ever than just talk or call ok?" When I was quick to blame her boyfriend Canaan, she corrected me and promised it wasn't because of him. She said it was because she was stressed out because of **************. She told me she would never do it again and that she had regretted doing it in the first place.

Tuesday, March 13, 2006:

On Tuesday night around 12:00 am, the Hladky's called my house and wanted to know if Miriam was at my house. The phone woke my mom and so she came into my room and woke me up to tell me that they couldn't find Miriam. I was already asleep but I got up and put some shorts and sweatshirt on. I went and got in my car and began a search for her around town. I drove by her house just to double check everything and I saw her dad walking. I pulled over and asked if he has seen her or what happened. He said he was getting the little white car that she had taken. Apparently she had just gotten home but she parked the car around the street corner. So I turned around and parked. When I walked in the house I remember Miriam was laying on the couch. She looked pissed off and like she was careless about everything. She moved so I sat down next to her. I asked, "Dude what's going on?" She said that she couldn't talk about it upstairs. So we walked downstairs to her bedroom. I remember I sat on the left side and she sat on the right side. I asked her why she had ran off and where she had went. I should have listened to where she went it could have helped me later on in the week but I didn't. I cut her off and said it didn't matter that I just was glad she was safe and that I wanted her to honest with me and tell me what was wrong. She told me everything. Everything that had ever happened to her to traumatize her. (These things will not be disclosed due to privacy) I wanted to cry when she told me things that had happened to her, even before living in Coquille. She told me she wanted to leave and never come back. She explained how she just wanted to run away forever. I told her to try and hold out for college and that I promised things would get better when she lived with me. I also told her to write her thoughts in a notebook and hide it somewhere in her room that no one could find. Sometimes writing thoughts helps. I was glad that she could open up to me. After we talked for an hour or so I made her promise that if she was ever upset again to answer her phone when I call so I could come to her. I also remember saying, "Now you have to promise me you won't do anything stupid over Spring Break cause I won't be in town..." She promised not to and then we said out goodbyes...but didn't hug. Even though she opened up so much to me that night I still felt a distance between her and the world. Like she was hiding something...why couldn't I have put it together?

Thursday, March 16, 2006:

Miriam didn't show up to school today. It worried me that she wasn't there but I was told she just didn't feel good so I didnt push too much.

Friday, March 17, 2006:

Today in 3rd period, personnel fitness, someone stole all my stuff out of my locker in the locker room so I couldn't dress down. I remember sitting on the bleachers and I was so pissed off. Miriam was walking and she turned the corner..."Weener, why aren't you dressed down?" And then the last thing I ever said to my best friend, "Someone stole my fucking stuff out of my locker..."
Later that day everything was farely normal. At lunch though I saw Canaan sitting in his cubby playing the guitar. It seemed weird that he wasn't with Miriam, but I was too distracted by the rest of the week to stop and ask him what might have happened. At 2:00, after school I went down to the Burger Barn to work which I get off at 8:30. I texted Miriam and asked her where she was and what she was doing. I never got a reply so I figured she didn't want to hang out after work. Around 4:45 I got a phone call from Frank, Miriam's dad, he was asking if Miriam was down at my work with me because she left school at lunch to go home and she wasn't home. I got worried because of the things she told me about wanting to run away and leave on Tuesday. I called her cell phone a hundred times but never got a hold of her. I called people I thought she might be with but no one knew where she was. At about 6:00, Emily, my sister, called down to my work for me. She said, "Kristine I don't want you to freak out but..........Katy told me that someone committed suicide up by the Lucky Bonney house, she said they hung themselves from a tree." I didn't know what to say. From then on things felt animated and in fast pace. I left work immediately and drove to the Lucky Bonney house only to find nothing there. I called Emily back and she said that it was actually up by the old rope swing. As I drove up there my hands were shaking on the wheel. I was so scared but didn't believe it was possible. Then I knew deep down it was true when I saw the line of cop cars all along the road with no cop lights on. There much have been around 20 cop cars all parked along the sidewalk with their lights off. I got out of my car and ran over to my dad and sister but they said we couldn't find anything out cause they had the path blocked off. That meant whatever it was it was definitely a death. I couldn't take it so my sister and dad left and I said I was going back to work. I didn't I turned and went to the Hladky's. When I pulled up, Karen, Miriam's mom, and her older sister were standing outside. I told Karen to get in the car. I told her I had somewhere she needed to come with me because I had maybe found Miriam. She told me she had to wait for Frank and I told her that we would call Frank later. She got in and I started to drive her up to the rope swing. I started to explain to her the possibility of what we might find. When we pulled up we got out of my car. A cop and another man came running up to us and asked what we were doing here. "I told him that her daughter had been missing for the last several hours and that we had heard something." The man got a horrible look on his face and then turned to Karen and said, "What's your daughter's name?" That was all it took, Karen broke down and the man walked her to his cop car. I stood there alone. Knowing deep down from what just happened but wanting them to actually tell me with words. I stood there at the top of that hill in the dark wondering if my best friend was alive or dead. Then the man came back up to me and I told him, "You have to tell me, I can't go back to work wondering if she's dead or alive...?" And that's when he said, "I'm sorry, we think she committed suicide." I was in shock. After he told me to just stay there and he would be back I couldn't. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I sat in my car. But I wanted to drive forever and never stop. I wanted to call Miriam and know everything. I wanted things I couldn't have.

(Contrary to what most have heard Miriam did not use the rope swing. She used another tree that ironically bent perfectly over and had a different rope. The tree has been cut down since then along with some of the other branches.)

The hurt I will forever feel is unexplainable. The guilt I will forever feel for knowing everything that she told me Tuesday night and never doing anything is excruciating. I will never be okay with this situation. It will always be hard for me to talk about or to even realize the truth.