My late fiance, whose life I built my life around and who was the only light in my life, committed suicide two weeks ago on 1/7/2009. I am an orphan with no siblings and when he proposed, he had promised to be my family. Little did I know that he'd break his promise even before our wedding day. I knew that he had depression issues going into the relationship. He was very loving and took such good care of me during our time together, but he would also get easily depressed over everyday stresses and when he was, little things would cause us to quarrel and during the argument, he would abuse himself by repeatedly hitting himself, scratching himself until he bled, punching right through walls until his hand broke/bled, and would threaten me with suicide if I kept my position over certain issues. There is a history of suicide attempts in his family (all siblings have attempted at least once). I knew, but I loved him so much, I still love him so very, very much, that I thought he would eventually change and get help. He had always intentionally refused the help, citing that, "You can't help me, if I don't want to help myself". Those were his monsters. But on the outside and for the most part, he was a humorous (funniest, funniest guy I have ever met in my entire life!), loving, caring, intelligent person with so many good qualities. Just two weeks ago, he met me after work to take the bus home together. I cannot believe that he is gone and the pain of his passing is so overwhelming. I knew, yet I was in denial. His last suicide attempt was 10 years ago, before I even met him. They were able to save him then, but this time around he planned it so well. He was missing for a couple of days before I got the news. The moment he went missing, I knew. I just knew. Something in my gut told me that he had carried out his words this time. And I feel responsible to some degree (my rational mind says I am not....but my strong, emotional self continues to tell me that I am). He was everything to me, despite his vices, he was so gentle and caring to me, never laid a finger on me, or hit me. He loved me, but he never loved himself. And I thought he would change for me. I thought I could change him. And now that he's gone, the truth sinks in. And it is so, extremely painful. I do not see when I will, or could ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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