how does it happen? how can time slip through out hands like sand in an hour glass...and our memories can be blocked and put aside almost as though they never even existed. i guess the question is...did i really mean to put them aside? or were they put aside because i mentally couldn't handle it? is that possible? can you just mentally not handle something? i find myself curing the pain with ways in the end that will only hurt me...but what else would i do. i dont know what i want. i want her, i want someone to be her and i want to have them. that is unreasonable though, so what will i settle for? what do i want? i dont want to talk but i have so much to talk about...so much emotion and knowledge. i thought in the beginning that talking to a therapist was what i needed but i see now that i dont know...i dont know what i need. in fact...does anyone know what they need? what does it take to need to feel alive, to need to feel happy? does it take the ones you love? and if thats the truth than what do you do when one of them choses to end their life? there is so much that she told me tuesday night and then so much that she left me to question friday night...so much that i didnt do. so many questions that i will never get answered...questions that i will spend the rest of my life wondering. i've made it so far and lifes to beautiful to quit but...why? meemers...you know i love you and i always did. i dont think things will ever change and i think the memory of the things you told me tuesday night will haunt me forever...but what i do know is...i wouldnt have had you tell anyone else...
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