I lost my commonlaw husband on November 2/2007. We had been a couple since late 2002. He just turned 35 - I am 8 yrs yougner than he.

We recently bought a house together and things were good but we had our bad days. He had a major addictive personality, he had been on depression medications since he was a teen. However his addictions to drugs over came all of our dreams. I tried everything I could to help him with his addictions but he always knew the right thing to say to everyone to make them think it was all going to be ok. He kept promising he was going to stop, that he could do it on his own, that he was going to show me. On October 30th he came home early in the morning and was completely out of it, irrate, and never in our relationship did he ever scare me but that nite he did. I had to phone the police to come to the home and they took him to the hospital due to the overdose of pills he took. He was relased 5 hrs later. At which time he went to his mothers house where he stayed the last few nights before he took his own life. The night before we talked on the phone (as we had talked many times throughout the week) but I had not seen him since he left with the police. He talked long that night, it seemed as if he didnt want to hang up. We both made promises that night to each other. I was going to see him the next day. Then I got a phone call that next day, Nov 2, saying he was missing and no one was able to get a hold of him. I tried, his phone was shut off. I called all of our friends trying to find out if anyone had seen him. No one had. Then I got a call that someone seen his vehicle. So I went to where his vehicle was. He was not there. I then got a phone call saying to come home the police where at the house waiting for me. I knew at that moment - but I didnt want to believe it. The ride home was the longest ride of my life. I got home walked in the house and was told to sit down. I was told he was gone, that he had taken his own life. I felt my heart break. My world came crashing down all around me. The hurt, anger, sadness, overwhelming emotions it all hit me so hard. I had to know how, they said he jumped. Which only left me to believe he wanted to make sure it was final. He knew that was what he wanted. I later found out that he was at the place he jumped the day before. Said he was a photographer and wanted to take pictures. Then he went back he next day and took his life.

I feel so many things all at once. Its so confusing. I feel guilt, and everyone keeps telling me I have nothing to feel guilty about. I want to believe it but its so hard. One of his aunts said I gave him more love than he ever had in his whole life. That I was there for him to lean on through everything the past few years. That he never had anyone growing up due to his parents seperating when he was so young. People keep telling me that they dont know how I put up wtih as much as I did. That no one would have. I keep saying that the person I loved, the person I gave my life to... was still inside him somewhere, he was just lost. The drugs played a major role over all of his dreams.

I miss him soo much. I still think he is going to walk through the door, that he is just at work or something, I still think he is coming home.

I didnt realize the darkness, the pain, the hurt, and confusion that must have been inside him. I only wish He would have talked to someone. I wish he was still here and at the same time I pray he is at peace now and isnt struggling anymore.

I cant believe he is gone. I never thought our life together would end like this.