hi i really feel for you i do
dont ever question your abilities as a mother, its not your fault. people have their own personal problems, kids parents etc, so them taking their own life is not to do with you, youve prob done the best you can,dont be so hard on yourself
You havent said how the other one died ? did they both take their ownlives or separate incidents? you dont have to say if you dont want to
xx

What our sons decided has nothing to do with our mothering skills. Guilt is one of the HARDEST steps you have to go through to heal. It took me FOREVER to realize that my moving 800 miles away - and a LOT of blame from my own family at first - that I was not to blame. I am sure your son would tell you the same thing if he could.
There are things within each of us that NO ONE can control. Heartaches and mental pain that only we know. Your son was hiding things from everyone apparantly because he DID love his family. They feel what they are feeling will cause too much pain...or you to be ashamed...there was something he just saw no way out of.
ALL I can say is that you are NOT alone. We have all said "What if..." in some way but the choice was NOT ours nor were we in control.
I am sorry for your losses. Parents aren't meant to bury their children. They will ALWAYS be our "babies". Just know he is now free of whatever was causing him SO much pain...and I DO believe he is watching down on you.
Hugs and prayers. Let your tears flow...its part of healing. And THAT takes forever, unfortunately. Been 9 years for me and I still binge cry from time to time.

Shirley, what happened with your sons is not a reflection of mothering skills. One was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the other was depressed. We can watch them every day all day and still not protect them from the world. They are indpendent people. If you had anything to do over, what would you do? I ask that of myself and always come up with the same answer.... I don't know.... because I don't know. Yes, it still hurts and life is not fair, sometimes.

my mom feels like a terrible mother too. My brother took his life at the age of 21. We didn't think he'd ever do that...in fact he told me sister that "suicide was the loser's way out and he would never do it." He did do it and although he was depressed we never saw it coming. I feel like a terrible sister. I was the only available that night and I went to a church group instead of going to see him. I was 17 and I'll never forget it. He was dead for 4 days before anyone found him. 4 days, what kind of family doesn't check on a loved one? Anyways sorry to go off, the point is you are not a terrible mother so don't ever think you are. He probably felt like he was a burden and that's not your fault, my mom never treated Pat as a burden and I'm sure you didn't treat your son like a burden. People get so into their depression that they can't see other people and how their decisions affect others. Don't blame yourself

My second son who died 16 years ago was accidently shot and killed by his good friend. I helped my other 3 sons (who were 20, 9, 7 at the time) extensively for two years before they were finally ok with their brother's death. That was when I finally broke down myself and started dealing with my own grief. I have a good handle on that death - I still grieve when I need to but most thoughts of him (I still think of him at least once a day) are good. My son who died of suicide was a happy, caring person. Everyone who knew him was totally shocked that he, of all people, did this. It seems so out of character. 2 months and 17 days since his death - I am still reeling with disbelief. I have his widow and two young sons to help this time around. And they are a comfort to me - especially his youngest who looks just like him. Today is a busy day, so I know I will run on auto-pilot. Thank you for your support. Shirley