im just in a mood. sometimes my dads death just hits me harder than other days. i am so pissed off. my sons fifth bday is coming up and their bdays are only five days apart so we always had a combined celebration and i would make two cakes...and now i don tknow what to do. and i am mad that he wont be there to film teh birth of my child (im not pregnant, but when i will he wont be able to do that. and i am just mad. i hate this. i hate that my mother is going through what she feels. i hate that i wonder what xmas will be like even though its months away. i just dont get it. i wish there was a way to get into his head to understand what he must have felt to kill himself. that must have been horrible. and i know we couldnt haev stopped it but that doesnt change anything or how i feel. its just a blah day and i am having a lot of them lately.
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