I'm 25 years old and have been dealing with medical issues since I was 19. I've lost friends and boyfriends because "they just didn't understand or couldn't handle it" Whatever I have moved on with the help of my family and a few great friends that have been there for me when I needed them most. 2005 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and had to deal with that for 3 long exhausting years trying everything underneath the sun but ultimately I needed to have surgery. March 2008 I had a total colectomy, they removed my whole colon & rectum and had to spend the next 3 months with an ileostomy bag. After this surgery I went home and immediately the next day had to go back to the ER because I was extremely sick. Come to find out I had Pancreatitis and spent a month in the hospital 2 1/2 hours away from my family unable to eat or drink anything. On June 30 2008 I had my takedown surgery, on my grandmother's birthday, thankfully everything went amazing...

While I was dealing with that I also was having problems with my periods but put it on the back burner because I thought the colitis was the main problem. For the next year or two I was in and out of the hospital with severe abdominal pain always thinking it was complications of my bowel. Finally the end of 2009 I had an ultrasound that found an ovarian cyst and Feb of 2010 I had surgery to remove the cyst. They went in laprascopic first but because of my previous surgeries they were unable to get to the cyst and had to reopen my abdomen. They were able to get several cysts and some of the endo but wasn't able to get it all. Oh yes if your wondering I did indeed get Pancreatitis again! The next couple months I was unstoppable and happier then I can ever remember. But too good to be true...

July 2010 the pain became so horrible I was unable to work because I was concerned of the safety of my own patients. I was a Nursing Assistant at the time. Because I was technically still employeed I couldn't apply for unemployement and because of the crazy insurance I had I was denied both short term and long term disability. So from July until Feb of this year I was dependent on my family to pay my bills and take care of me, on top of their own economic and health problems.

The surgeon from my surgery in Feb of 2010 refuses to operate on me again. When I went to talk to him about another surgery he explained to my aunt and I that he has done a lot of very difficult pelvic surgeries and doesn't get intimidated easy but ME he remembers inside my andomen like it was yesterday and is afraid to go back inside. I'm glad he didn't sugar coat anything for me but it was a lot to take in... He explained that I have almost a 150% chance of getting Pancreatitis after surgery again (Not the best way to lose weight FYI :) I have Stage IV Endometriosis and it is so bad that my uterus is stuck to my internal pouch, my ueters and bladder are stuck basically "its as if someone opened you up and poured cement all over your abdomen. Everything is so concreted in place there is no way to remove the endo without causing more complications" I would most likely have to live with a permement ileostomy and a very good chance of needing bags for my uerters to help drain my urine out.

This is just the top of it as I'm sure you all know how much more emotional and lonely it gets, I'm 25 all I want to do is go out with my friends and be able to smile and have fun and be out on MY OWN and find myself a good man to be by my side through EVERYTHING!! I try so hard to keep it together because I do not want to look like a failure to my family and my little brothers, but damn I can only take so much.

I had to move to South Carolina from Wisconsin to live with my mother because my family back home couldn't support me anymore and it was beginning to put a lot of stress on everyone. I had to leave my rocks that have been there and put up with me for so long and I miss them more then ever. My mother and I had the oppurtunity to meet with and Endo Specialist in Atlanta and he agreed to preform surgery and says that he has done a handful of cases like mine and they were some of his most complicated but there hasn't been one person he hasn't been able to help. Today I will meet with a Gastro Surgeon who will stand in the operating room if for some awful reason my bowel gets nicked and I will need to have my bowel fixed. Oh Yeah I am starting to get kidney stones now because of the endo around my ueters.

I needed this surgery done yesterday so I can go back to Wisconsin and get back to my old self, if I can even find her, its been so long. The last month I have been hoping for surgery and that something will go wrong and I can just pass away and donate what I can to someone else so they can have a chance to live a life I can't seem to find. I am too afraid to tell my family this because I don't know how they will react. The other night I was talking with my best friend who opened up to me and told me that he has tried to commit suicide twice. This is the first guy who has ever treated me with respect and actually stayed in my life through something like this and to hear him say that and know that he doesn't want to live (due to his own problems) what does that leave me with? :../

I want to be strong and I don't want to pretend anymore and I know it is time that I NEED to ask for help. I don't want to go through this alone anymore.

Wow I need to stop crying. I hope someone can offer me something. Thanks, I needed to let that out =)