I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 5/06. My husband and I have been trying since having surgery for it in 8/06. We tried on our own for 10 months then moved on to about 4 months of Clomid. After no luck, more tests and detoxing, we began round 1 of IUI. We weren't successful. We waited a month and tried a 2nd round which had the same result. We then detoxed again, ran more tests and in May/June of this year we tried IVF. We had 3 embryos transfered and on 7/4, found out none took. Two weeks ago I was told that during this, my cousin became pregnant and my 18yr old sister-in-law who has a 10month old baby girl, had an abortion. That hurt. It didn't however hurt as much as this Friday, when my sister called to tell me she is 11 weeks pregnant with a child neither her nor her husband really wants. She went on and on about how she was on the pill and how her plans were going to be disrupted and blah blah blah. My husband and I sat and held each other for a little while after that call. It really hurts to hear people not understand how truly blessed they are. It also hurt that for 2yrs I thought I would deliver the first grandchild and now that is not going to happen. And while I know I should be happy for my sister, I cannot bring myself to be happy for some one who isn't happy for themselves. To top things off, my whole family knew for over a week and they all kept it from me. Then, after I found out, my mother didn't even call to see if I was ok. I guess she is just so overjoyed about having a grandchild that she doesn't want my depression to put a damper on it. I really do not know what to do. How much can one person handle in a month? Failed IVF, 2 pregnancies, an abortion and a failing support system is too much for me. I am completely lost. I have cried almost as much this weekend as I did after IVF. My friends don't seem to know how to handle this anymore. With each new procedure we all get so excited and then all I do is cause them pain. They don't understand why seeing babies and watching everyone around me get pregnant is so painful for me. More and more they are just trying to change the subject. I just need some one to talk to. In the past I have tried to avoid the painful situations, but this one is my sister and my future niece or nephew and I will be unable to do that. How do I cope? Last night I smoked my first cigarette in 2 years in an attempt to calm myself down. I do not know what is scarier, that it did or the thought of what I may have done if it hadn't. If you took my infertility out of my life, it would be perfect. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful (but empty) 3 bedroom home and my dream job. But, above it all is this huge dark cloud that doesn't seem to be moving. I began acupuncture this month coupled with herbs, vitamins and a few dietary changes. I felt positive about it until now. I almost feel like I do not even want to continue. And should I? Is it ok to keep trying while my sister is pregnant? What if some miracle happens and I do get pregnant? Will I be stealing this time from her? We haven't told anyone about the acupuncture because we thought it would be good to break away from all the stress that comes with the questions and pressure but none of that would matter now. I am so broken and beat down that I know I won't be able conceive, not this stressed and depressed. But I do not know how to get out of this. Please, if any of you have suffered through a time like this and made it through, tell me how. Although I appreciate words of encouragement, that is not exactly what I am looking for. Everyone always tells me "it will happen when the time is right" and other Halmark-like sentiments. I need something real. Please help.
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