I can't take any more of this. I started the week end giving up, I couldn't keep pushing myself to go on with all the exercise, the restriction, the pressure to find a job and move out, dealing with my low mood, I was so tired and I just had to escape t. I went to hospital and asked to be admitted to the psychiatric ward, they were very good and talked to me all day but didn't admit me and just sent me home. I've hidden myself in a caravan park and have spent the last few days lying in bed with my eyes closed, starving myself, then bingeing. The plan was that if i gave myself enough time maybe I could organise my thoughts but it didn't work. Today I had an appointment with the psychiatrist who is planning on discharging me because they say there is nothing more they can do for me. I didn't want CBT because when I did DBT it didn't work because, although I thought I was doing it at the time it turned out I wasn't really and I had just been going through the motions, I wasn't really letting it in and I know it would be the same with CBT. Had anyone else had this/overcome this, how? But they say because I can't engage in therapy there is nothing else they can do. I'm so desperate, I so want to be the strong person that can throw themselves into therapy and make it work for them but how do I get there. I'm such a confused mess right now, I don't know whether I want to live or die let alone recover. I hate who I am right now, I don't want to be such a pathetic, weak looser, I don't want to fail at recovery. That's not me, I don't do failure but I really don't think its in me to do it. I've dug as deep as I can and I've not found what I need. The psychiatrist said that maybe I just need to accept that's who I am but I can't do that, I'd rather be dead then live as a failure.Beside which, I'm not coping moment to moment as things are right now so I don't know what he expects to happen to me out there on my own. I'm so confused, things go round and round in my head, my thoughts change every few minutes, I drive myself insane and no one can help me. Its not just the eating disorder stuff, I'm so screwed up there's no hope.
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