i sit here and cry right now, and all because for some reason i am really in touch with what my ED has made my reality. I cry because i look around for most of the friends that loved me so much, and now i can't see them. My ED always told me i wanted to be alone and depressed, that i didn't need friends all i needed was my disorder, and it was a hard fight but honestly it worked. I have to say my very bestest friend put up a hard fight, no matter how much i didn't return her calls or made excuses she would still call me, and after many many many months and maybe even over years she still persisted... now, i know she has given up too, the same way i gave up then, and give up now, on myself. It worked ED, it worked. are you happy, you killed off all my friends!! You got what you wanted now didn't you? but i am the one who gets left with the burden and the consequences. I used to blame myself non stop.. and to a degree i still do, but for some strange reason, gradually may anger has re-directed. I put a lot of blame towards my ED. I blame it for all this shit, almost more than i blame myself. Is this stupid to blame it? i mean i am the result of my choices, but for some reason i blame the ED and it makes me feel better, maybe because i believe there was a real kind person deep inside and this demon was sufficating her, a lot of days she gets down to her last breath and other days she can breathe on her own... do u all think i'm crazy? does any of this seem rediculous?