i saw my docter for the first time in 4 weeks today - im meant to see him weekly but due to money i havent been able to go...he pointed out a very good thing to me that yes i have listened and gained the tools i need to start to recover from this but i have a flat out refusal to gain weight weather it be concious or subconcious i am still not willing/ terrified of gaining weight and that will forever stop me from being able to recover - until i am willing to let go of my fear and accept that this is part of getting better the strategies i have learnt will not work...i agree completely i know that i really want more than anything to get better i dont want to spend the rest of my life remembering social events as being an anxiety attack waiting to happen, binge drinking to cope with the mess my head is in and my inability to cope with the reasons behind my disorder, leaving events to purge and just only having ED to remember after everyone else has left..i want something more than that i want to live, i want to enjoy my life and the people in it and i want them to enjoy me the person i used to be but im so so so terrified of gaining weight - ive gained 2.5kg since xmas that sounds silly i know but i feel huge i feel everybody can see it and im scared my boyfriend will think im huge dispite being underweight - i feel disgusting to myself even though logical me knows i need to gain double that to even be in the very lowest part of a healthy weight/bmi...i guess i want to know how to change that mind set i know very well that if i am to gain weight and hate it that much i could always lose it but just the thought of it happening scares me, i dont know how to start recovering if i cant even accept the current xmas weight im carrying and am trying to lose?...im sorry for blabbing on i dont know where else to go with these questions and im hoping to find friends here who understand or can help, im happy to do the same for anybody...i hope you are all well and got through today ok
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