Right now every part of me hates myself. I've been restricting so much the past couple days and all I want to do right now is fast, but I'm also desperate to go upstairs and make my over eating by anorexia standards into a full blown binge. I miss my binges so much. They were a way for me to forget about calories, or anything else and just enjoy food again. Sometimes I just feel like I wish I was dead. My school uniform has a very short skirt that is to be worn very high up on yourself, so above your stomach. Mine sits on my stomach and since I fill myself up with zero cal drinks, every minute of every second of day I can feel how big my stomach is when I know that I'm not overweight and although I'm in the healthy weight range, I'm on the lower side than the upper side with recent weight loss. I'm terrified of gaining weight and the pressure of knowing tomorrow my therapist is going to try and make me tell my parents is painful. Right now I wish I was dead and I'm scared to go outside because I know that if I do go outside, I would probably jump in front of a car. Sorry for my rambling, but part of me doesn't want to die! The part that's still me, the small part that's still the old me before my eating disorder doesn't want to die. I feel like someone's taking over my body and I have to watch as what looks like me slowly kills myself. The very, very, very small part that's the happy Ciara I used to be is terrified because the rest of me just wants to be dead. What do I do?
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