I just need someone to understand! I haven't purged since April '08 and have been doing better with food and all... but I was recently (August '08) put on drugs to help with my mood that made it so I am constantly hungry and that I can chew a stick of gum and gain 10 pounds. I'm overweight, obese even, thanks to these drugs. I'm 5'6" and somewhere around 210. I had an eating disorder and lately am fighting myself over going back to it. That I'd be skinny again, that I'd be pretty, that I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror again without being grossed out. So, it's this: healthy or thin? healthy or pretty? I am starting to ignore my body when it says it's hungry, then catching myself doing it and eating, I am scared it is only a matter of time. I used to get such a rush, I felt SO powerful when I didn't have to eat or when I would get rid of what I ate. I remember how thin and pretty I was... I am struggling not to give in. I don't know, I see it happening and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be pretty again. HELP! I don't know how much longer I can scream at myself that it's more important to be healthy and alive than pretty and on death's door and have myself listen. I'm back with my nutritionist and I am seeing a therapist but, it's not making the now getting louder voice go away. Someone help me, please? Thank you.
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