Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Mental Health
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recovarys sooo hard

deleted_user
deleted_user
ok im in a really weird place right now. I mean everythings going ok, some would say im theqnichally "recovered" from my ed. but in my head this feels strange, i have a weird sensation. my ed took everything away from me, my family, my freinds everything- i was OBSESSED and ADDICTED. but now i think im ok, im building bridges again, although i live by myslef me and my mum get on now and i have a reasonably good group of freinds, im doing well at college, ive put on some weight and feel ok with this, i have more energy, i can focus clearly etc, so really youd think things are great and they kind of are, i even enjoy the tastes of food, wiv my ed it was like i couldnt taste anything- i was numb. very ocassionally il purge but now im aware of what im doing and dont feel that "high" no more. i also know that i do this because i have too many emotions and feelings. i started drugs in the holidays (im soooo stupid) i smoked weed, took ecstasty and treid anphetimines once. They made me feel so happy but i know thats only a tempory fake happiness fixed by a pill or a spliff etc but what i really want is real geniune happiness, althouth i seem to have everyting in life now i dont know how to find this contemptness. I wish wish wish i could be happy and im not depresed but for some reason im still not satisfied with what i have in life, why is it i always want more? even when i have everything? nothings ever good enough, i suppose thats the trouble with being a perfectionist. I feel like somethings missing now my ED is gone, like im empty and dont get me wrong i hated it at the time although i thaught that i loved it (does that make sense?) it totally distroyed everything i had good in my life but now i kind of miss it.
why is this? can anyone relate, offer advice? etc...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know what you are going through. Your ed has been such a big part of your life that now there is an emptyness left where it used to be. You just have to start learning about yourself and start getting some good habits....reading, joining some type of group.....
I know that when I am in a period of recovery the hardest part is the boredom. When I was alone all I did was b/p, but now I have to try to fill up that time with something else. Don't give up you are going great!
deleted_user
deleted_user
OMG...that is so strange...i feel exactly the same and wrote a post about it. it's in "wierd spot in recovery"...it seems common from what i'm reading.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am TOTALLY going through that right now too. I've been thinking about starting a topic about it but I don't even know how to get the words out. Just know that you're not alone. I think we're going through a grieving process, which is unfortunately made harder because of the fact that "Ed" can easily come back from the dead.
deleted_user
deleted_user
ED has been your identity for so long and now that your are better you are asking yourself who you are because ED took over every aspect of you. Now you need to start finding out what fulfills you, what makes you happy and start doing those things. You need to find your real self and become a social being with healthy friends who encourage you instead of trying to destroy you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i totally relate to how you are feeling. change is scary even when it is for the better. Before i decided i wanted to get better i felt lost and overwelmed. I think i was so use to feeling miserable and depressed that i couldn't enjoy feeling good about myself or felt i didnt deserve to be happy, when i was. i have been in recovery for 3 months. I am still scared everyday. i want to believe. But i am scared i will never be truly happy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been in the b/p cycle for so long that I don't know how to live without it; I am so glad that I found this website. I feel so ashamed of my ED and just talked to my husband about it today. He was supportive and I know that he knew. He is the silent type and I think that he sort of liked that I was bulimic because I could eat all I wanted and not gain weight, but he didn't know the extent of how bad it was. I was eating all day long.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel. When you arealone it is hard to fill your time. I try to spend time outside nowadays. I try and stay at my friend's houses longer. Or I go to the bookstore. I started doing some volunteering on my freetime as well. It helps to be occupied in ways that you are usually not used to I feel. It helps me becasue I am breaking my cycle of old habits.
Try something new, it may help you.
LillyAudrey
LillyAudrey
That's the trick of the ED- It makes you feel like you're empty when you give it up...but the truth is, it was the emptiness that caused it in the first place...tricky tricky tricky.

I can totally relate with everything you've said. So much of what you've mentioned is the exact reason why I started the discussion on contradictions...that inner war in your head that keeps telling you one thing and your heart yells another...it's a crazy land.

BE strong, I wish you PEACE.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can relate to your prob, I have messed up in recovery and purged once in a blue moon and even restriced but i realize I dont want to do it and I stop. I will never purge again, after I heard the horrible things that can happen after repeated purging. scared the living shit out of me. I hope I didnt do to much damage to myself. The drug thing is a tuff one. I dont think there is anything wrong with weed, even though I dont smoke it, but I am a recovered alcoholic too and I know that I obsessed about food and alcohol, so they go together like peas and carrots. an addiction is an addiction. whether you have a ed or meth addiction. Dont do the drugs, you might get hooked. good luck :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks guys. ur comments are reali helpful, i guess ur rite, my ED took over me and now i dont have that as much its like "ok well who the hell am I then and where do i belong?" its weird and tuff but il keep on fighting. thank u!! xx
deleted_user
deleted_user
Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. Good enough isn't enough. It was a really big revelation to me that people with eds are often chemically imbalanced. Maybe that's common knowledge, but I went through much of my life thinking that you had to have been abused or gone through some trauma to have an ed. So I felt like a big fake because there was never any trauma I could point to. It's a way of coping with an imbalance for a lot of people. Something about having too much seratonin...the fight or flight hormone. You have too much of it and so you feel everything all the time. It's overwhelming, so you have to begin whittling down your life so that less emotion can get in. You cut sensory input...including food...and you try to go numb so you aren't always overloaded. (Restricting made me feel terrific. I didn't have to think about any thing else or feel anything else.) That made so much sense to me. I've lived in a semi numb state for a long time. When I do try to let myself feel something, it overwhelms me. Even little things. I hope this makes sense.
Everyone's comments here are so very true. I've gotten a lot from reading them.
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