Hey, new girl here. I\'m 28 and have struggled with my eating disorder(s) for, well, too many years. I\'ve been in therapy, been on meds, seen a dietician, etc. I ended up in the hospital and then in treatment. I did pretty good after I was discharged 3 months later. I stumbled many times, but was able to catch myself before I fell. Now I am facing my \"full on\" relapse that has been progressing for over a year. I feel totally out of control. I tell myself I am gonna have a good/healthy day and then somehow end up completely failing. I will get myself to eat, all the while telling myself \"I\'m not gonna purge, I\'m not gonna purge\" and then before I know it I am flushing the toilet. \"What the heck? What just happened here?\", I tell myself. I mean, geez, I remember purging right up until the morning I willingly admitted myself to a treatment center. My head tells me I want to do better and then it\'s like my head/ED and my body gang up on me and continue the vicious behavior. That sounds goofy, but is the only way I can describe it. I feel like I need a 24 hour babysitter (like in treatment) in order for me to get back on track. There has to be another way. 28 year old people don\'t have babysitters. Treatment is not an option for me again ($$$). Being here and starting to journal again feels helpful. However, I can\'t find a way to get my actions under control. I wonder if people can relate to my loss of control (almost like blackouts). Weird! Any suggestions on picking myself up? Thanks for listening.
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