I just joined this group. I am certain that I have an eating disorder. I have not been diagnosed by or treated by a professional, but It's obvious to me I have a problem. I spent a good part of my life with chronic dieting. If there's a diet out there, I did it. I never stayed on any one diet very long and while I'm quick to say they all failed; I have to be honest and say that 1) I didn't follow the guidelines and 2) I didn't stay on any of them long enough to allow them to work. I wanted (and still want) instant results and of course that does not happen. I realized that although there are so many diets out there - they are all so similar. They either focus on calorie reduction in some way or food restriction in some way. The years of restriction from dieting led me to binge eating. I tried to conquer my binge eating by healthy eating instead. I spent a ton of money on books about the healthiest foods and the best supplements and spent a ton of money on nutritional products. Not money I had or could afford, but thouands of dollars in credit card debt because of this. I figured if I was going to binge eat, at least it would be on good foods. This became a disorder in itself. I drowned myself with information on healthy eating, but in the back of my head still wanted a diet that allowed me to eat the foods I like (yeah right - does the butter and chocolate cake diet exist?) Just last week I picked up 5 different books from the library. 4 different diet books and one nutrition book. I'm searching so hard for "the answer" and i'm not finding it, simply because it doesn't exist and i haven't accepted that. I dont like healthy food. I dont like veggies, I dont like chicken breast, I dont like the things that are "good" for me. I like fried foods, fast foods, take out foods. I HATE to cook and while we're on that subject let me say I made an entire disorder out of buying cookbooks. I spent close to $1000.00 on them, have a closet full and never made a single recipe. I also downloaded thousands (literally) of recipes from online and never made any. I hate to cook and hate "normal" food. So.... I decided to give myself a break, if its "junk" food I like, then in moderation that's what I should eat. This is where my next problem comes in - I CANT eat a normal portion. I binge eat out of control. I eat massive amounts of food at a sitting and eat so fast and in such a frenzy I dont even taste it. Sometimes the food is gone and I have no memory about eating it and then I feel scared because its over. I've got a lot of health problems and have been out of work 6 months following a failed spinal surgery. I've been seeing a therapist for several years, but my health and several other crisis issues in my life have been the focus of our conversations; eating hasn't. There's only so much that can be talked about in 45 min. a week. I've tried OA meetings which made my binge eating much worse. I'm overweight and continuing to gain and honestly, I dont know how to stop. I dont know "exactly" what my problem is, but I sure know I have one. I dont know how to deal with this. I believe that i'm using food to numb so many of the problems in my life right now and dont know how to stop. food is one of the very few things I can turn to for comfort and I dont want to give up my comfort, but if I dont get this eating under control; i'll have another problem on my hands. I'm rambling and i'm sorry; I hope this makes sense. Can anyone relate?
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