I really do not know what to do anymore. Anorexia was prevalent in my life for many years (since I was in elementary school) and became something I have been suffering from for all of my high school years. I am not preparing to go to school in the fall (out of state) and my parents think I am going to lose a shitload of weight once I get there. I currently am 5' 4 and I have refused to weigh myself, because I know the number will make me cry. I recently left the country for a month, and I spent the month living on vegetables and small amounts of carbohydrates. I dropped about 5lbs and came home below 100 lbs. Beforehand, I was about 103, and people still thought I looked painfully thin. I was a fairly serious dancer, and it became a problem to stare at myself in the mirror at the studio without wanting to break down; so, I became the monster I am today, forcing myself to become the tiniest one in my dance league. I have so much to say and could really use the help of other people like me to help me get through. I hate to sound obnoxious and whiny about this topic, but I have virtually nobody to talk to about this. My mother is a former anorexic, and for much of my life, she encouraged poor eating and served me significantly less than my friends in the hope of making me "happy." My father, on the other hand, suffers from Crohn's disease, thus he is pretty thin in the first place. Even he seems to be a bit disordered with his eating, but overall, he is an unsympathetic asshole. I did not choose to be like this, and I certainly did not want to suffer from this. It is so controlling, and I feel the need to constantly exercise and count calories. My boyfriend touches my butt, and I feel obese. For some reason, I feel like the worst person in the world. My perfectionism rules everything around me, from grades and scholastic achievement to starving.
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