I know how you feel. this whole thing started with us trying to feel better about ourselves. We all wanted to change something about the way we looked and felt and instead, we have only created more problems for ourselves.

I was also stuck in that vicious cycle of the living hell. I tried to control everything and everyone with my restricting and it never worked.
I felt that controlling my weight was some kind of sick accomplishment. I also fed on the attention that I got from being super skinny. All it ever did was make me miserable and my health was suffering. There is a way out and that is to realize that the control is just an illusion to mask the underlying fears and insecurities which we're afraid to face. When we are ready to face our core issues then the recovery can begin. I've been there, and I'm just beginning the long journey towards finding out who I am and what my purpose in life truly is. XOXO

i ask myself this all the time> am i just doing it for attention? but i know i can"t just stop so that must be my answer> keep trying! hugs

YOU HAVE JUST READ MY MIND. I actually wrote almost the exact words in an "f"-you" letter to ED, that I shared in group last week. I am not ready to say go away Ed for all the reasons you listed but I was able to get angry for a day or so. I feel the EXACT same way as you do for the EXACT reasons. I know most of this is ED(eating disorder) talking but I am not strong enough to not listen yet.

It's been so long for me so I do feel like there is no escape. But I don't want the attention or any thin comments. On the contrary I want people to not notice me and leave me alone. I think I'm stuck with ED because he makes me feel safe and because I wouldn't have an identity without him.

I agree with Karrin and the Identity thing. I don't even remember what kind of person I was before I was sick, what kind of person would I be now I fI had never developed an ED.