Last night I finally broke down and agreed to go to a therapist. Im interested but so scared at the same time. I know that they are there to help. But you cant help but wonder if they are judging you, nobody knows, it may be their job not to, but they still can inside their head. I work and go to school. Im trying to get myself through nursing school. When and if I hopefully recover this horrible disease, I wanted to work at a place with girls for recovery that have the same problems I DID. If I cannot overcome this however I know I cannot do this. So my other option is trauma flight or the ER. Its hard, b/c I get up at 4:30 every morning to open up a fitness center...and I get off at 12pm...afterwards, I have my classes. You would think id be exhausted, but I cant sleep at night, at all. My bulimia is beggining to make me depressed, which in turn is causing me to have insomnia. I feel like with everything I am having to do, im eventually going to have a mental breakdown. I get angry over the stupidest things, and realize it. I cry for no reason, and cannot stop for the longest time. I only hope that I can get through today without binging and purging, but im always thinking about the future. I tell myself everyday, ill quit tommorow, and ill do it just this one last time, so I make myself believe that it really is the last time. I feel as if im stuck in the same day all my life, battling constantly. But today, im really going to try. Its just hard because If I know I cant purge, I wont want to eat at all. Why me?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...