I spend so much of my time telling myself not to eat. The rest of the time I am binging. I am overweight. I am 5'3". Three months ago, i reached an all time high of 212 pounds. I was disgusted and disgusting. I was put on a cholestrol pill over a year ago. The pill was making me sick, but for a long time, I didn't know it was the pill. About 7 months ago, I started throwing up daily, not because I wanted to, but because I was sick. Finally, I figured out it was the medicine I was taking. After a while, I just no longer felt hungry. Secretly I was loving it. Three months ago, I started dropping weight. I lost 20 pounds without hardly trying. It's like I knew I was loosing, so i just went with it, and when food presented itself, I didn't eat. Now, I am not on the cholestrol pills and my cholestrol is high. I started gaining weight again, due mostly to binging. Now, I'm at a point where I starve myself to loose the weight. I weigh myself all the time. Yesterday I was l93. Today, early, I'm l9l. I started coming to this site last week. It's the first time I ever heard of ED. I've been paying attention to how much self talk I do. Surprisingly, I find I selftalk quite often. What you call Ed. Food is so tempting for me. I have trouble saying no to take out. My mom, who has no idea what I feel like inside about my weight, is always buying me fast food. And, no, I don't live at home. I'm 50 years old with a mom in a wheel chair and I go help her out often. My mom is overweight too, and loves to eat fast food and doesn't hide it from anyone. Lately, I've been telling her I'm trying to loose weight, to keep her from buying me so much junk. I've always felt 'gross' about my weight, but this is the first time the scale actually showed me as loosing weight. I'm happy about the weight loss, and want to continue, but something tells me that this self talk is dangerous. I'm afraid that when I get to a weight I'm satisfied with, the self talk won't go away. I don't feel that I will want to keep loosing, but I'm afraid of gaining it back. I'm scared right now that I'm starting to have an eating disorder. I guess I just wonder if anyone else started out this way? I feel like I belong here, but don't feel belemic or anorexic. Does anyone have any input?
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