*TW* *Negative & Mentions Specific Food*
yes i have to eat for my boyfriend,and i resent it.
i have been restricting heavily the past week or so,and have lost quite a bit of weight....i am,i realize,very sick,because this *pleases* me.
i opened up to my boyfriend about my anorexia,and his first reaction was,"Well i can't deal with anorexia.It's like listening to the same rap song over and over again." ??????
he doesn't get it,won't educate himself.Just tells me i am"Worrying for nothing,you're not f*t..."
and,"The skinnier and skinnier you get the more turned off i'm going to be..."
WHEN is my body going to feel like my own???
In my childhood and youth,going to a professional ballet school,it belonged to them.
Then in my adulthood,to various (and a couple abusive) boyfriends...
My therapist has tried to get through to me that body IS my own...but it only really feels like my own when i am starving it.
My therapist has also tried to to tell me that my boyfriend is just concerned about me,but more and more i just feel like for him,it is more about my appearance...and i feel controlled.
i know how sick i am,because,even with what i stand to lose,(He is wonderful in every other way) because i am addicted to the number on the scale going down each day...i get a sick rush from it,i am addicted to it.
i really don't believe i am trying to avoid feelings,because all i do is feel,feel,feel.
and i know i shouldn't be weighing myself,but,like i said,i am utterly addicted to it....
i made a *deal* with myself that once i reached a certain weight i start to eat a bit again,well of course that number has dropped...
i am miserable, i think i am spiralling into a depression (which my boyfriend doesn't understand either),i have always had a hard time during the spring time,and almost all my hospitalizations for depression and ocd have been in the spring. i have begun to have suicidal ideation again,(please don't worry,i know how to and promise to keep myself safe) and i know my not eating is affecting my brain...
what am i looking for here? ( i'm sorry for rambling on) i don't see my therapist for a month,and feel very alone in this...
the only other thing i have to say is,i am nearing 42 years old,i have had this eating disorder since i was atleast 11 years old.
i have run from treatment quite a few times,so i just want to say to all of you,if you have the opportunity for treatment,please,please try and stick it out,as hard as it is going to be....i really now regret my fleeing from it when it got too hard,too scary.
Ok,that is enough,i'm sorry.