I've been through a lot of different Therapists since 1998, some Females and some Males and for different reasons I've gotten along with both Females and Males. I had this one Female Therapist that I really hated to see go, because she was more than just a Therapist to me; she was a friend. She knew how hard it was for me to talk about certain situations, so she would turn her chair around so she wouldn't be looking at me and I found it a lot easier for me to talk to her than if she had been looking at me. And she gave me "safe" hugs. Then I had this Caseworker that I thought was my friend, she used to give me "safe" hugs all the time and I just really needed that. I could never explain it, but it would never fail; as soon as she'd give me a hug...I'd start to cry. But anyway, the Therapist I have now is a male and it's been really hard for me; because the "safe" hugs have stopped. I can't ask him to hug me that would be wrong in the first place; considering he's a man. Secondly, he's my Therapist. There are just a lot of reasons that make it totally wrong for me to ask and plus, I would be terrified that if he was to even try to; I would totally freak out and...I don't know. Scream, run in the corner, walk off and never come back or even worse....start crying. But there have been a lot of times that I just need to cry, but I don't want him to just sit there in his chair and watch me act like a big baby. I guess what I'm saying, is I wish he could take over as the kind of dad that I never in my life ever had and come over to me and hold me. Like a father would do, like I wish my dad would have done. When I cried, all my dad did was slap me across the face. But I know that would be wrong, because he's just my Therapist and he's a guy and he's never going to be my dad and I really need to come to terms with that. It's just been really hard. I mean, it's not like I ever really had a dad in the first place. But my dad and I did ever once in awhile do things together, but now we'll never get that chance again. No more hikes, no more going out for a damn soda, no more going to the show to watch a movie. Just the little things, it will never be again. I guess the question I have is, actually I have two questions; how do I get past the "Therapist" vs "Dad" Situation? How do I see my Therapist as a "THERAPIST" and NOT a dad I wish I would of had? And how do I handle this situation of needing to cry and let things out, but not being able to in front of my Therapist; because I don't want him to just sit there in his chair? Any advice would be very helpful.
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