I am so frustrated and hate my way of life with this stupid eating disorder but I guess not enough to stop it. I am anorexic and bulimic and feel really screwed up. I've been told I am lucky to be alive many times and I am really starting to believe it. Too many close calls for my comfort. I just wish this world didn't revolve around food. I hate food. I went in for treatment once (or was forced in by a Dr.) and I came back home 3 months later and lost my children to foster care. I had made arrangement that were perfectly fine and because of a crooked system that my exhusband manipulated I had lost my children and had to fight in court for months. Just the kind of atmosphere to help to get me on my feet and to recover. The stress of the many court battle threw me into a whole new level of bulimia, far worse than ever before. The court case was finally won by the way, and I proved that they illegally took and kept these kids from me. The guy had to stop practicing in this state. It bothers me greatlly that he is probably in another state tormenting some other family. I even had the foster care people voluntarily go to court and testify on my behalf. Along with the states own records that stated that I was a good parent with well adjusted children who were all doing great and were being raised in a nice house with a big yard and lots of friends to play with and missed being home and especially missed their mother. It was heartbreaking having an empty house and having my children call crying in the middle of the night wanting to be home with me. This is so difficult because now my eating disorder is so bad I can hardly stand up at times from being weak, my heart is irregular and I am throwing up some days just to throw up. On some days I am in the bathroom more than any other room, for many many hours a day. Then I switch to just not eating anything for days, and days. I know I need help, I am so tired and am barely functioning. It's hard enough to agree to get help as it is but with the fear of something happening like this again it's almost impossible. Also, is it possible for someone to get help with the bulimia and work on the anorexia another time? I need to stop throwing up but can't stand the thought of having to get fatter to do it. I hate food, it's ruining my life!!!!!!!
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