I am sooooo scared. I am putting on weight and I know its a good thing but it is making me so depressed. I feel so fat and I keep thinking I'm a stupid failure for eating so much and not purging. When I look at myself I want to cry because I dont feel in control any more. So I have started cutting myself more to compensate, I have to punish myself somehow. I dont want to be a blob, I want to be thin. But I'm also aware of the price of being thin. These last 7 years its all I've cared about and its nearly destroyed me and my family and put me in hospital umpteen times. The three months I spent on the psych ward helped me get my head together and forced me to face my eating problems but I know its not something you can get over quickly. I'm just petrified and am back to wanting to avoid eating however I can and taking the dog out for stupidly long walks and doing sit ups at night in a desperate bid to keep the pounds off because to me they equate to failure. I have to stop obsessing over my size but its all I've done since the age of 12 so I'm so used to it. I keep thinking everyone is looking at me talking about how fat I am. It makes me want to cry. I hate being this way.
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