I have had bulemia problems and self injury problems since I was very young. I went through sexual abuse involving 3 different people (2 i knew and cared about, 1 i didnt) at completely different times they werent related at all. This led me to have self control issues. I know that I do these things because of the need to control SOMETHING in my life. I tried to go into the military because I needed college money but I got kicked out for SI while i was in training. My long term boyfriend has helped me through alot but recently he has started to act more... aggressive towards it, stating that he would break up with me if he found out i was still doing these things. So out of the window goes my entire support group. Now I'm attending college and everything is going wrong from the books they sent me to the money i know that I'm in debt. I have started to throw up again after every meal, and today I noticed blood in the water along with a strong burning feeling in my throat. I cannot figure out what to do because since i can remember these two things are the ONLY thing that I have known. Any time that I stop, I become suicidal as the stress builds up. I dont think that I would ever have the guts to end all, but I dont want to find out either. I feel like I'm trapped in a loop that will hold me forever, and the worst part is i created it myself. I'm sorry for rambling on and on, but although I've been to multiple therapists, I've never talked to people who understand. I've just talked to people who view it from the other side of the fence. I hate feeling so helpless... even though this is all about controlling at least one thing in my life that just seems to spiral.
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