This feels horrible to know I am in full relapse. and realizing that I am terrified. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow because my gums and teeth hurt, they are swollen, my throat is swollen. my menstral cycle is already to a point of just spotting ever so often. God! I know I have been struggling over the past year but in the last months I hadn't realized how far things had gone. I really have kept just telling myself not to panic or anything because that makes it worse. and I know I can't stop. A friend, a temp. sponsor in a program I am a part of is talking about eating no matter whether you like it or not or want to or not. I panicked. And in my head just cussed her out. Tonight. I ate a small sandwich and immediately purged it, just couldn't keep it in my body. I was just hospitalized for a few days and this dietician they had me consult with asked if I had thought about going for treatment. I said no, and that is when I realized first time that this was not just slipping this is relapse. i feel so sad. and am scared at my inability to have impulse control like tonight. I don't even know what to ask advice for or am I just letting go and saying to those who understand and just needing to feel understood or something or just needing to express myself.
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